PATIENT (not) ...

 

Following on from last week's post, and the change that is coming, I've been forced (again) to acknowledge that I'm not a patient person!  So much in this process is beyond our control, so for now at least I can't take refuge in the plotting and planning that I'm really pretty good at.  What I'm NOT good at is waiting for other people to get organised and make something happen.  This page arose out of trying to manage my impatience ...

I painted the blue background and wiped some of it off with a baby wipe, which gives interesting texture, and then started laying down grey collage pieces.

I just kept adding a bit more, including a lady with a slightly frustrated look on her face (my own face was probably MUCH worse).

Black outlines and grey shadows as ever make all the difference to how the page elements string together, not to mention getting the words out of my brain and onto the page ... helping me to feel lighter.

And here's the finished product - not too much doodly detail for once - but it says what I needed to get off my chest.  Basically it was/still is "grant me patience, Lord, but hurry!".

Hopefully I will manage not to chew my knuckles off while other people decide where we will be relocating to, and what kind of house we'll be living in.  Then yet more patience will be required while disabled adapations take place.  We might get there by Christmas, but then again ....
Rosie

CHANGE IS COMING ...

 

These photos show just how different images can look in daylight and artificial light.  When I started work on this page it was in natural light on a slightly cloudy day ... when the yellow as you can see below looks more primrose than anything else!

The real colour is much nearer to the main picture, and I began by adding pieces of collage in shades of grey.  This is one of my favourite parts - just sitting with a drawer full of paper scraps feeling my way towards something which will make sense.

And below you can see the collage process complete, finished off with black outlines and grey shadows.  The figure is my own drawing to represent me ... inevitably somewhat thinner and younger looking than the reality, but reflecting how I feel inside!!

With the journalling part complete I added the doodling and drawing, and took the final picture in electric light, which makes the yellow look much more vivid.

We had thought we were settled and looking ahead to a peaceful retirement, but it seems we were wrong ... and we've been invited to consider an alternative future.  It was a shock at first, but gradually I've become convinced that this is a calling from God, and the right thing for us to do.

Being a normal human being as well as a woman of faith, its in the wee small hours that the doubts creep in, and I wonder if I've completely lost the plot ... Once again we're preparing to put ourselves out there on a new road, not entirely sure where it leads, but believing (most of the time) that it is meant to be.
Rosie

SMALL THINGS ...

Not for the first time, I encountered that quote from Mother Teresa "do small things with great love".  It came (probably not a coincidence) at a time when I was frustrated by my inability to do anything very much, from a feeling that I wasn't GIVING, wasn't making a difference in the world.  Mother Teresa also said "Let's do something beautiful for God" and when I was ordained priest that's what I believed I was called to.  I already had Fibromyalgia even then, and didn't (couldn't) see how that would come to shape the life I was able to live and the things I was able to give.  I thought back then that God had called me for my strength, but it turned out to be in my weakness that she could most powerfully use me ...

Trying to express this positive truth into my temporary darkness was worked out as ever through my journal.  Pink is my happy colour so that's where I began.  The big bloom is the person I always hoped I might be ...

But as my life went on my ability to "bloom" (in my own terms, not to mention pride and vanity) got smaller and smaller ...

 Until I felt like the small and unregarded person in the corner ...

But that small person and that small life turned out to have greater power to touch people and make a difference than the strong woman I liked to imagine I was ever could.

So here is my celebration of the woman I am now: more understanding of and gentle with my own frailties ... and therefore with those of others, and able to reach into the dark places people inhabit because I have been there myself.  And still visit that place sometimes.

It has been a battle long fought and hard won, and there are still days when I WISH it could be different.  But I do believe I am where I'm meant to be and giving/sharing my particular gifts ... even from my (pink) wheelchair!

FAVOURITE TIMES ...

 

This page started with me painting the page pink (because its my favourite colour) and then (having no better ideas) I went and rummaged in my collection of cut-out words.  When I found the words "favourite" and "times" I knew where I was going!    It seemed like a good time to count my blessings really - well, when isn't?

And this picture below shows you how I work - having got down the words I wanted and adding some grey shadows, I was pulling out pink scraps of collage, such as flowers etc ... you can see further down which ones made it onto the page.  I have stuff all over the desk when I'm trying things out!

So here is the finished result - I'm sure there are many more blessings I could have recorded, but these were the ones which came readily to mind.

There were lots of empty spaces, but I think the white lines really add something to the background.  Part of the inspiration here was that I'd just received a beautiful bunch of roses from my man, and always feel amazement that after 40+ years together he still brings them!  I'd also just finished a really great book (Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine) which I'd loved.

It makes you realise that its not the great big things that mean the most, but a whole host of little things that light up your everyday life.

Tomorrow my aching legs will be parked in front of the TV as I watch the Royal Wedding coverage.  I'm not much of a royalist, but I do LOVE a good wedding!
Rosie x

KEEP ON KEEPING ON ....

This is a page about just keeping going when life isn't exciting or much is happening, but you just keep on ... always hoping for that day of sunshine, those moments of insight, which in the end are the things that keep you going.

Haven't used my Neocolour II crayons by Caran d'Ache for a while, so dug them out for this.  When you scribble onto a gessoed page you get the look below, kind of like wax crayons ... its what happens when you touch them with a damp paintbrush which is magic.

And below you can see how they explode into life - I left one band of colour dry just to show you the difference!

Then it was out with my bits of collage, making a kind of border around the page, which I then outlined with a white Posca pen.  I love the intensity of the colours and shapes here.

Then my statement of intent - which is just to keep on going, to keep believing in what lies ahead.  That's me down at the bottom, doing my damndest to remain optimistic and half full instead of half empty.  I've added a grey shadow and some strong black lines, which always make such a difference, and you might also notice that I've doodled on some of the collage elements.  I like to do that to make them my originals instead of someone else's work or design.

 And having said what I wanted to say I just doodled away until it looked finished, which it does.

Struggled not to be disappointed that, although 2,000 people came by in the last month, almost nobody stopped to comment.  It  made me wonder why I was doing this.  Childish of me perhaps, but I do love to connect with you out there ... just to know I'm not talking to myself.  But then again, its about keeping on keeping on, even when it feels like you might be wasting your time.
Rosie  

AMAZING WOMEN ....

A couple of things happened to generate the thoughts behind this page - two women of my acquaintance have been working through very difficult situations in ways that impressed me so much with their strength and courage.

There hasn't been as much time as I'd like to work in my journal lately, so it was special to finally sit down and paint a background and begin to collage.  I know some people are intimidated by a white empty page ... but I love the feeling of possibility and the adventure of starting something with no idea of where it will lead.

Somewhere in this process I had two telephone conversations with the people involved, which left me with the feeling that it was a wonderful thing to be a woman in the company of such sisters.  I was also trying to work with "vintagey" colours, something I've always loved - I prefer brights but sometimes softer hues are more restful to the brain and eye.

Once I found a slip of paper in my stash with the words "women of all shapes and ages" the message I wanted began to form in my mind and on the page.  Another Modigliani lady represents a universal woman here, I think the word "winter" is there because of the dark times we all go through, and "nature" makes reference to the very essence and nature of women.  It all made sense to me at the time, honest!

Then the last thing I did was let the words "women are amazing" explode out of my brain and onto the page.  I have been a lifelong feminist, and yes there is still so much more to do, even if we do now have women bishops!  Some of the voices telling me the battles have all been won have gone a bit quiet lately during the current row (in the UK at least) about equal pay?  Decades after the legislation of 1970 which hoped to ensure this, it absolutely doesn't exist yet ....

I suppose the bottom line here is that this is me making a bit of a speech on paper, letting rip with some of my deepest held beliefs, and above all wanting to focus on the positives, and celebrate all that is amazing about women everywhere - including you and me!

HANGING ON ...

This whole page started with the words on grey paper "I think I'll hang on" - I'd stamped them with the intention of using them on something else, but then I never did.  When I found it again in my collage stash I challenged myself to use it, and this is what I did!

Because it was grey and black I thought I'd work in monochrome shades on a vivid background, in this case a luscious lime green.  Just for starters I drew lines across one corner with my Posca Paint pens ....

And then it was out with the collage pieces - but I wanted to avoid doing what I often do, which is put a rectangular frame around the page.  This was my attempt at framing with softer edges.

 As you can see in the contrast between the above and below pictures, once you add outlines in black and a shadow, it all begins to form a whole instead of being random pieces.  Down went my "mission statement" text, and I extended the woman's body so I could add to it.

The words about hanging on were important to me because a few months ago, in the face of a second diagnosis of auto-immune illness bringing even more pain and tiredness, I honestly wondered why I was still trying to live a meaningful purposeful life ... when it would be so much easier to give up and just watch daytime TV.  A truly horrid prospect, but I guess it was a low point.

But, because I believe that EVERY life has meaning and purpose, it gradually became clear to me that mine does too - even if I can no longer do some things.  What the heck, I'm trying (and not always succeeding) to look for the positive every day, to rejoice in small pleasures like the first snowdrops, and to believe that things can get better.

There are days when I struggle to hold onto these truths, but that's because I'm a normal human being and I get tired and discouraged sometimes.  But better days ARE coming, there are still joyful things to look forward to (daughter's wedding in November) and there are already snowdrops are showing me that Spring is just around the corner.  That's got to be enough for now, and it is.
Love
Rosie

BEST FRIENDS ...

 

My other half brought me flowers the other day - yes he still does, after more years than I care to confess to.  I know that makes me lucky, and I wanted to record that truth.

So I prepped a page with gesso followed by lilac acrylic, which I then rubbed off here and there with a wet wipe.  Easiest way I know to start a page and get rid of the glaring intimidating white expanse!

Then, to give you an idea of how I work, I pulled out some bits and pieces of collage which just happened to appeal to me.  Yes I know they are all blue or lilac - I seem to get stuck in the tone on tone mode where I use a palette of similar colours.  I just got made that way.  Not all of the pieces made it into the final page, but that's just my process - try things, keep some, discard some.

Sorry about the apparent colour change below - its the difference between natural and artificial light, the former being in short supply during these dark January days!

Having got some collage pasted down I was beginning to draw some hair around the face, then as usual I outlined the collage pieces with a black line followed by a shadow (done with a marker).  I love how it always makes the pieces 'pop' off the page.

And finally the words and the inevitable doodling.  As you probably already know that is pretty much my favourite part, and very few pages feel complete without at least a few dots!

It would be so frighteningly easy to take my Beloved and everything he does for me as carer, chief cook and bottlewasher, housekeeper, driver, etc etc, but I really REALLY don't want to do that.  I so wish he hadn't had to take on caring for me, but he says he does it because he loves me.  That's pretty special, and the feeling is entirely mutual.  We are, as ever, best friends.
Rosie

ART & SOUL

I'm not getting very many opportunities to journal right now - its a busy season - but eventually managed to fit some in by giving it priority.  Its become something I can't NOT do, necessary to my well-being, because something in me shrinks if I don't.

Having carved out the space and time I sat down and painted my favourite colour combination on the page, not knowing where it would go.

And then I put Frida Kahlo down because she's such a role model for me, and suddenly the words I wanted just came ... pretty much from nowhere.  Or maybe not.  Sometimes I feel empty of anything to give, but in the end there is always this one thing.

As you can see I do very simple lettering, and then later go back and embellish it.

These bands also "just turned up" but after this I left it for a day because I got to a point where I wasn't feeling it and inspiration had gone AWOL, probably just because I was tired.

Then, as you can see below, the next day my enthusiasm and energy were renewed and I basically went mad with the dots and doodles!  I love that part.

I do hope Christmas is a happy time for you and yours and that you will come into a new year rested and renewed.  Thank you for being with me on the journey.
Rosie

WEARY ....

 

This page demonstrates that, even when you're very very tired, you can still make art out of it!  I had a space of time and really wanted to work in my journal because it always brings me peace and healing.  However, when I sat down I felt like my mind and body were so weary that I was completely out of ideas.  So I turned that into a journal subject.

The first thing was to paint the page below my favourite intense lime green and then started to add grey/neutral pieces of collage from my stash.  I harvest material from catalogues, magazines and wherever I can find it, but much prefer dull finish paper.  The shiny stuff is a bit flimsy when using wet glue and then difficult to photograph without reflections.  One way around this, when I find something lovely but shiny, is to paste it to a sheet of paper and then copy it - which gives me the option of black and white, a matte image, and one that I can reproduce.  I make a lot of collage sheets this way, but be warned that you need to think about copyright issues if you plan to do the same.

Below you can see yet more collage, including the Modigliani lady who looks suitably glum/tired, and here I've also added the grey shadow and the black line which both unifies the elements and makes them stand out.

The process of journalling must have begun to lift my spirits because, without really meaning to include them, these red lines crept in.  Then I added the wording, including the expression "bone tired" which unfortunately ended up a bit squashed against the collage.

In the final version below you can see that I addressed that problem by painting over it and then shortening the sentence by leaving out one word.

I'm not sure why I added the doodly red and orange lines, except perhaps that they look vaguely cellular, so maybe my subconscious was registering my tiredness at a deep physical level?  I don't actually know, and that's not important enough for me to worry about.

This kind of physical exhaustion is something that goes with both of the auto-immune diseases which affect me, and is the cause of the greatest limitation on my daily life.  I don't have the energy that most people take for granted, so can only give what there is to a few.  These days just going down into the village for a cup of coffee with a friend is an exciting outing, but it teaches me to enjoy the small and simple pleasures life offers in a big way ...