INSIDE MY HEAD ....

Funny what goes on inside your head really - well it is in mine, and I am easily distracted so I've often thought that a print-out of my thoughts might be completely baffling ... anyway, to make this sound posher I shall be calling it "stream of consciousness".  That makes my thought processes seem like something worthy of scientific study dunnit?

You've probably guessed anyway that this page came about because I had no idea what to journal about, so just started to write down the things going on in there - not much as you will see!  Making this background I'd wanted to get away from the usual stripes and layers, and came up with this amoebic pattern, using my favourite Caran d'ache crayons.  The result looked a bit like one of those illustrations of germs or whatever circulating in the bloodstream, and for some reason that led onto brain - anyway, to cut a long story short I wrote the words "inside my head" and that was it .... again you can see how I begin with very simple letters and then build them up and embellish them with my black pen.

I began by writing down on a piece of scrap the various odd things which were floating around my grey cells, and decided it was all worryingly random, so wrote that down as well!  I like this Stampotique face stamp and often use it to represent myself - its the slightly manic look on her face that does it, that and her short hair.

 

And from there on I just let rip and wrote and doodled until it was "done".  The blobby shapes (done with Promarkers) that I added to fill up some space also look quite amoebic don't they - not sure what a psychiatrist would make of the doings of my subconscious!

I think this scientifically proves without room for argument that I am indeed suffering from Menopausal brain death, inability to concentrate, and total lack of focus.  There may even be holes where parts of my brain used to be.  However, since I seem to be stuck in this condition I will simply have to beg your pardon for my random ramblings.  Its your own fault for coming around here!

My darling grand-daughters have been to stay but have now gone home again, and I am afraid I breathed a huge sigh of relief even as a shed a tear at their departure.  Honestly, I'm too old for this kind of thing, and was beginning to twitch when I heard the interrogative "granny?" for the umpteenth time as I hid in the downstairs toilet for a few moments of peace ...

ACCEPTANCE ....

I do make an effort to try new techniques and materials ... though isn't it funny how some things simply don't FEEL right, as if they don't belong to you??  Just me then?  Anyway, I have a love/hate relationship with gesso - I love what I can do with it, but hate the chalky feeling.  I'm also a bit peculiar about tearing up books, even when they're complete nonsense like this one purchased at a car boot sale and entitled "children of the archbishop"!!  You can see why I couldn't resist buying it ....

 So there I was determined to be brave so I tore up text pages and stuck then on randomly (also not like me) and gessoed over the top - a breakthrough!  I disliked it intensely at this stage but was hopeful that it would improve.  You can see below that it did, with the application of paint (with which I also have a cool relationship) - I watered it down quite a bit so that you could still see the text through the colours.

So I had this OK(ish) sort of page that I wasn't liking all that much, and I didn't know what to write on it.  I have a box of clippings from magazines, newspapers and all kinds of stuff - so I started dragging out words that spoke to me, and this is what happened ....

I'd grab a word or phrase and stick it down, and then it would tell me what the next bit was, and so on, and all this stuff came out that I didn't know was in there let alone needed to get out!  Oh the power of journalling!

If I'd known what I was doing at the time I might not have done it all in such straight lines, but what the heck.  I am a known and unreconstructed straightist - I can't help it.  You may also notice that Pollyanna has been around here again (quite an annoying person at times) but you have to talk yourself into positive thinking somehow, right?

Am not particularly enjoying the Olympics (I don't do sport) but its impossible not to get somewhat caught up in it all, and I was so chuffed for Andy Murray yesterday.  Have got my two older grand-daughters staying (aged 7 and 5) which is a distinct challenge for a person of limited energy.  Fortunately for me they are currently out at the supermarket with Grandpa "helping" him do the shopping!!  They may be gone some time .....

ANGELS .....

You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and just can't stop singing it?  Well that's what was going on when I made this page.  All morning it had been "All night, all day, angels watching over me ...." so in the end nothing I could do but journal about it right?  It seems I was meant to, so I did.

It began like this - I'd dug out the angel picture from a collage sheet and wanted to make a sort of frame around her, so had that in mind when I did the background (Caran d'ache watercolour crayons) and chose the colours.  Looks boring at this stage below doesn't it?

As soon as I start adding detail I'm off - the first thing I did was give her better wings - these are made from German scrap, and are a gorgeous turquoise blue.  Then I wrote down the main wording "angels watching over me" but turned it into a question.  That left me lots of scope for rambling reflections on this subject .....

I did the colouring of the letters and the writing with Promarkers - and also went around the title letters with a white pen (Uniball Signo, the best) to help them stand out.  You can see the difference between the pictures above and below.  Finally of course I added lots of doodles and dots, also utilising triangle shapes this time - oooh I'm nuthen if not versatile me! 

And as for the answer to the question?  I guess its that I really REALLY want to think so, and its hard not to after some of the things which have happened in my life, so I suppose yes - I do believe :)

PS Sorry I've not posted for a little while - been away on a lovely short break.

THIEVES AND ROBBERS!

 

Here's a page that might make you laugh - it did me, I was chuckling all the time I was making it!.  Sometimes my pages are about big, important things, and sometimes they're not - at least this subject is important to me, but not of life-changing importance generally, except to me!  This may be a complaint that some of you recognise - known to me as Menopausal Brain Death, but also called Pregnancy Brain by my younger sisters of the woolly headed sorority.

This page began with my box of magazine clippings - I get it out and rummage through and see what tickles my fancy.  On this occasion it was the word "thieves" and the wanted poster ... so I began by sticking them down and then the writing around them just flowed from there ...

You can see how I start the lettering with quite basic writing and then go back and embellish it, making each line thicker and giving the letters curly bits.  I also began the background by colouring around the lettering with the broad nib end of my Promarkers - I like the effect this gives of leaving a white edge around the letter.

Then I got absorbed in what I was doing and forgot to take any more pictures, so this is the finished result.  Like I say I was laughing the whole time I was doing it - at least I think I was, but can't quite remember ...

If you are experiencing the same problems you have my profound sympathy ... perhaps we should start a club?  That would work if any of us could remember to turn up, or where to find the website?

GRATEFUL

Many of you will know that paint doesn't seem to be my natural medium, but I do keep trying to learn to love it, so that's what was happening here.  It may be purely a matter of laziness, in that I want to dive straight into a page and not have to gesso it first etc etc., but whatever I had some fun splodging paint about here.  I did a background of quite diluted paint (these are acrylics let down with water) and then used a baby wipe among other things to add more layers.

 Then because it was one of those times when I was just making a background and seeing where it led, I dug about in my collage materials and added a few images.  Although I forgot to photograph it at that stage, I used a technique I often resort to of asking myself what's the one word I want to put on this page?  This time it was "grateful" and so I wrote it in the middle - having learned the hard way that it rarely works to stick it at the top.

After that the creative juices just started to flow ... and although I do know that my writings here sound very Pollyanna-ish I am unapologetic about that!  It seems really important to me to regularly engage in the Count Your Blessings exercise - and all the more so when you're a bit down and dejected.  Its frighteningly easy to lock into a downward spiral in which you can only see negatives, but I find when you look for them that there are ALWAYS good things to celebrate and give thanks for.

You may notice that this is a page I made back in March ... when we were still hoping for a summer!  I haven't been doing a lot of journalling lately - it goes like that with me, I'll work all day every day in my journals for a while, and then I end up needing a change of activity.  I've got a sewing project on the go at the moment, but in a few days I'll return to my journal with renewed enthusiasm.

Sometimes I wish I was the sort of person who could concentrate on just doing one thing well - like sewing or making cards etc., or stick to just one medium, but I seem to be somebody who needs diversity and lots of different materials to play with.  Maybe you're the same?

STOP WORRYING!

Well I wish I could (stop worrying that is).  I am an expert in this field and could give lessons, having been practising for a lifetime.  This page began as so many do with just a blank page and NO ideas ... so I follow the helpful advice that I once read somewhere to just write a single word on the page.  Guess what mine was?  It does work, and is often true that by using this technique you find out what is really on your mind, and what you most need to work through - sometimes with surprising results!

It won't come as a shock that the pen which jumped into my hand was the deep pink Promarker, and then I outlined the word with black to make it pop off the page more.  Another pink pen provided a background - at which point it was clear that this negative subject needed to be suffused with my favourite colour - which also works!  I do love this Stampotique face - she looks absolutely FRANTIC doesn't she, a particularly good fit with the subject matter.

After more writing I began to fill in the background some more and the doodly process began.  Because the writing is done with a waterproof pen I could probably (possibly?) have gone over it with the colour too, but it can still smear.  Its more reliable if you wait until another day when the ink is truly dry, but I rather like the effect of the white background.

Then of course it was time for the fiddly (my favourite) bits - and of course generally I can't bear to leave too much empty space - somehow its part of the process of working through something for me, that I haven't quite "done" the subject unless I've filled every available inch.

It will however be obvious to those of you who've been with me some time that this is a counsel of perfection - a life-long worrier like me won't be stopping the practice without a struggle.  I am working on it however, because it IS a waste of my strength, so now when I catch myself doing it I am trying to ask "can I change this situation"  or "is there anything I can actively do to make things better here"?  Much of the time the answer is no, so at that point I am trying to put my worries into God's hands and let Her deal with them .... and work on trusting that somehow, in ways I can't yet understand or see, things will work out for the best exactly as they are meant to.  I can't say that I've achieved zen like calm yet, but She and I are working on it together!  Let go, let God, as the saying goes ...

GODDESS ....

Was having one of my deep, inner moments when I made this - I do sometimes, but probably not very often!  Himself would say that I don't sit still long enough, which may in fact be true.  Anyway, I had a pretty good idea what I wanted to do with this page, so could make the background to fit, so to speak, as you can see below.  It is of course done with my trusty and much beloved Caran d'ache crayons - still my favourite medium.

I'd worked out that I wanted to do a triptych using these Invoke Arts shrine stamps, so the centre was made the right size for these.  I added some random faces - well sort of representing the Goddess I suppose, although to my mind pretty much any serene female face would work.  Had some fun colouring the shrines too, and added a pair of gold wings, also done with stamps. Then I used my crayons again to add a sort of orange "glow" around the shrines.

Promarkers worked well to make a deeper blue panel for the words - this is real mixed media stuff so anything goes, and mediums like promarkers and white pen work great on the crayon background, providing the latter isn't laid on too thick. 

It almost seemed finished at this point, but perhaps ... well a little bit bare?  Inevitably I had to fiddle about with a bit, OK a lot, more doodling.  Did I mention that that's my favourite part?

I'm actually really pleased with this - in that I succeeded in putting down what was in my heart - which is not always the case.  This week I've torn out one page I was starting to dislike and gessoed over another, but you never get to see those!  I particularly like the way the yellow centre "glows" around the shrine shapes which works even better than I thought it would.

As for the sentiment - keep on remembering that you are a Goddess with a spark of the divine in you.  Easy to forget at times ... but still true. I should know, I'm one myself.

GREEN EYED MONSTER

The background for this page represents a bold step for me - I not only started a double spread but I actually got out the ink sprays that I never use, and squirted them around liberally!  It did make a pretty awful MESS of my desk, and a lot more stuff ended up green than I really wanted, but I was quite pleased by the result.  If I can figure out how not to spread the ink around quite as generously I might even do it again - I did cover up the central spine with masking tape, and that part worked well.

Anyway, it was one of those times when I was just playing with no particular idea of where the pages might be going, so I got my collage sheets out and stuck a few images down with no great design to them except that I liked how they looked.  Ah but then ... I got the email from my friend announcing the launch of her new book.  Dear Reader, do not continue unless you can face the revelation that I am (alas) not such a good person as I'd like to be.

Turns out that I have a MEAN streak and that my primary emotion (even though I emailed back immediately to say how marvellous etc) was to feel ... well, just a teensy weensy bit jealous.  OK I admit it, green with envy would be nearer the mark.  So I confessed all to my journal, which actually made me feel a bit better!

Through this confessional process I got my inner child shoved back in her box and finished off the pages with wiggly lines in fine black, white, and silver pens.  Doodling away is when I'm happiest, just decorating with no particular direction in mind ... its soothing really, a bit like colouring when you're little?

Anyway, I did eventually manage to be genuinely glad that my clever friend writes books that get published even though mine don't.  I have a lot of other things to be thankful for, its just that its hard to remember that ALL of the time.

Yours regretfully

Rosie

DO WHAT YOU CAN ....

This is a slightly unusual journal entry for me - I was working on the reverse of a page where inks had bled through, so I used an offcut of Basic Grey paper.  I must have been in scrapbook mode because I added these bits and pieces somewhat in that style.  Its good to explore different ways of working isn't it, and I do have to confess to loving brownish grungey vintagey work ... which was where this was headed.

I'd put the numbers because my original idea was for a page to do with counting the days of my life and making them all count, but somehow it didn't turn out like that!  Ever had that happen?  It does to me, a LOT, or maybe I'm just an easily distracted airhead?  Perfectly possible ...

Anyway, as you can see I ended up writing "do what you can" on this page.  I didn't mean to but this is what popped out, and I always go with that feeling.  If something wants to come out its better to let it, right?  Go with the flow as they say.

And in the end it turned into a relatively simple page - I hardly doodled on it at all (not like me) but it didn't seem to need it.

Of course the woman in the window represents me - always looking out for the next thing (and worrying about it), and forgetting to live fully in the present.  That's the message to myself - you don't have to wait for circumstances to be exactly right; just have a go, dive in anyway!!

Haven't quite worked out what the numbers represent - maybe waiting (wasted) time when I could have been getting on with it?

ENOUGH ALREADY ....

This page began as one of the swirly layered backgrounds I make with my Caran d'Ache crayons, and the colour combination came about because of a fabric which caught my eye.  Funny where inspiration comes from isn't it?  I originally envisaged this as portrait (most of my pages are) but when I came to work on the page it just told me I had to use it sideways.  Well you know what I mean!  It began with this simple statement.

I make no bones about this being a "cri de coeur" because I can only journal about what's on my heart and mind, and right now there's only one thing filling all the space in my life - and that is whether we continue with my MIL living with us or take the next step into residential care. If I can't express my feelings honestly, however raw, in my journal then I'm doing it wrong!  I choose to publish much of it in the hope that my struggles might just illuminate someone else's path.

This whole issue is a minefield and a very steep learning curve - did you know that most care homes require top-up fees because the government will not pay enough to cover the true costs of care?   I know this decision is hard for everyone who goes through it, but right now I feel besieged and bewildered ... so obviously I journalled about it.  Having said that, there have been whole weeks lately when I haven't touched my journal at all ... and believe me that's VERY unusual, and a measure of my distress.

Then I added more writing (using a Purple Promarker and an extra fine nib) and some refinement of the colour layers using more Promarkers.  What I've written feels very defensive now I read it again, but I think thats an accurate reflection of where I'm at - our children aren't taking this well and as a result DH and I feel seriously unsupported.  Luckily we have friends who are with us in this journey.

Now you will recognise that this page is relatively simple and bare (for me that is) but that's because having spoken my truth there is no more to say.  Enough in fact.  Ah, but then comes my favourite part, which is adding all the doodly bits.  As ever the trusty white pen and more Promarkers feature heavily.

I'm pleased with this - it says everything I wanted to express, and reading it again reminds me that these are the important issues, almost everything else is relatively unimportant (as in what our children think about it all).  We are the ones at the coalface, so we are the ones who get to decide.  Sorry, don't mean to preach.  Good job God's still listening ..... she's good like that!

RECORDING A DECISION ...

I actually made this page some time ago, but I looked at it again and thought how well it fits for NOW as well, as if subconsciously I knew there'd be a need - stranger things have happened! We've made the decision this week that its time for US, and after 15 years of caring for my mother in law we're looking at residential care for her.  This page kind of affirms that too somehow, although originally it was about time for myself and letting go of the things I didn't want in my life  ...

As you can see below I started as usual with my trusty Caran d'ache watercolour crayons, making a swirly background of blues with touches of green - actually my favourite colour combination, although pink and orange also lights my fire these days.  I wasn't all that keen on this background when I'd done it (am sure you know the feeling), but have learned by experience that you don't have to LIKE it at this stage- its a background, you're going to put stuff on top, it will work, wait till you've written on it!

You'll have seen me do this often - add wobbly lines that sort of creep into the page.  Not sure where I got this from (it might even be an original idea) but I do it often.  Here I used a green Promarker and a metallic one (you can see this better if you click on the picture to enlarge it).  Metallics with blue always seem to look great, reminds me of under the sea or something.  The panel on the right is one of my earliest pages photocopied and cut up - a technique I picked up somewhere ....my addled brain can't remember.

Funny how things work too - I didn't know when I added the picture of stripey legs/feet that it would spark off me writing something about standing on my own two feet, standing by a decision.  Serendipitous how things work out isn't it?

Lots of doodling to finish this off and fill in those pesky blank spaces that I can't seem to leave alone.  The doodle at top left was totally random at the time, but now I look at it again reminds me of a shell with complex chambers ... well you know what I mean, and I do know it looks a bit like a shuttlecock too!!  And yes of course, now that its finished I do like it, and the background seems just right, so trust yourself when you feel unsure about a page and wait and see how it all comes together.  If you still hate it when you're done you can always rip it out - and I have done occasionally.

Watch this space to see if we manage to hold fast to decisions made - not always easy, and it may take some time, but whatever happens I'm sure to make a page about it, after all this is my THERAPY!!

DANCING ....

Sorry for the long delay between posts - life with ailing mother in law is very difficult at the moment, and there's not much time for arty pursuits.  We're not able to leave her for long, and she needs help with absolutely everything, so we're having to have those awful conversations about care homes at the moment - any prayers you can spare are MUCH appreciated.

Anyway, back to the page.  I cut this picture of sparkly ruby slippers out of a magazine a while back, and just knew that one day I'd find a use for it!  I'd made this background using my Caran d'ache crayons and riffling through my picture file I found the sparkly shoes, and that set off a train of thought which resulted in this page.Serendipity, the best kind of inspiration?

When I started the background I was still trying to challenge myself to try things I don't usually - so these colours aren't at all typical for me, and I tried to avoid my usual horizontal "layers" of colour too, although I'm not crazy about how it turned out.  Still, you have to focus on the finished page, even if you hate it at this stage.  I don't always like the pages that result from trying to work outside my comfort zone, and this one was kind of surprising to me because I'm not sure where it came from, though it has grown on me ...

The printed writing is more magazine cut-outs (mainly a vodka advert I think) and I really enjoy working out what I can say with the words I've got!  Another challenge.  Not quite sure where the last wry comment about falling on your bum came from - I think perhaps I was feeling like that I'd done that an awful lot lately ....? 

As ever I finished off with an assortment of doodling, much of it with my trusty white pen.  Looking at the page again I certainly wish I did have a pair of magic slippers to walk safely through the current minefield!! If you know where I can get some tell me QUICK, or better still come round wearing them!!
Love
Rosie