RESPONSIBLE ...

 

I actually made this page some time ago, and its taken this long for me to feel OK about sharing it.  We retired 18 months ago, and himself had to have major surgery, but its at least a year since he's been (to our huge joy and gladness) well and strong again.

However, we had (like you do) talked and dreamed about all the things we would do with the time once free of the demands of a 24/7 job.  My ambitions were modest - make arty stuff during my frequent and regular periods of enforced resting - and go for the occasional happy outing with himself.  He hasn't done any of the things on his list - like join a choir, bike over to the bird sanctuary, go for regular walks, maybe volunteer somewhere ... and I haven't been on his case because he needs time to adjust, right?

But it FEELS like he is always waiting for me to come up with a plan - and I have to be the one going "let's do this, let's go there". He never makes suggestions - 'shall we pop down the town for a coffee and people watch', or 'do you fancy a run out to' (insert name here).  Nor does he "do his own thing" - see above, which leaves me feeling that I have to come up with ideas for outings or keep him company in case he is bored.  I know retirement is a big adjustment, but .... well its proving a bit difficult.

So I made a page about it because that's what I do when I've got something nagging away at me.  Started with orange paint and dropped water onto it (on purpose) when it was dry.  Not quite the exciting effect I was hoping for - it works better on watercolour and this was acrylic.

Then I started to collage around the edges and draw wobbly black lines.  I always draw wobbly lines because they are so forgiving.  If I set out to draw straight lines I'd probably mess it up, so I give myself permission to wobble across the paper in any way I choose. Try it some time - its very freeing because there's no way to get it wrong!

And then I added something to represent me - in this case I altered a Modigliani lady a bit.  She's thinner than me, but that's definitely not a problem.  I then I wrote down what was really on my mind.

As you can see below I doodled and drew some more but I'd got down essentially what I needed to acknowledge to myself.

It isn't up to me to provide entertainment/happiness for him - he has to find things he enjoys for himself. Anyway he's always been resistant to suggestions!  Once I accepted that he had to find his own path, and I needn't feel guilty for not doing it for him, or worry about him too much, I felt lighter.

But I do have one purely selfish request - which is the cry of many people whose partners have retired and are "under the feet".  Please PLEASE beloved, could you find something that takes you out for just one evening a week so I can watch the TV programmes I like without you moaning?  I've got endless episodes of One Born Every Minute and the whole of The Handmaid's Tale lined up just waiting for the day .....  

EMBRACING CHANGE ....

 

This is one of those pages I'm really pleased with - difficult to explain exactly why, but I like the shapes and the colours and I'm satisfied with it in some way which is difficult to quantify, but has something to do with having got down on paper what I wanted to say .....

Anyway, it began with paint - just bog-standard acrylic paint, and I then deepened the colour at the edge with a strong pink neocolour II crayon.  I added a piece of patterned paper for no other reason than that the pink and orange look nice together.

And having introduced the orange I went on to add more - from an assortment of collage pieces copied from previous journal pages.  The Modigliani lady just seemed to belong there - almost every page seems to need something HUMAN, whether its a figure or a pair of eyes, just something.

You may notice the grey shadow I added between the above and below pictures - I used a grey Promarker, and it always amazes me how much difference it makes!  I didn't know that I was going to write this until I did - but then again its not very surprising since this is what is most on my mind at present.  Health issues (mine) have led us to the decision to retire early, and while I'm sad to be leaving where we are, I'm also a bit excited about the future and time to be together .... and I WANT to be allowed to look forward to it.

So having said what I wanted/needed to get out of my subconscious, I did the my usual trick of filling in the remaining gaps with this and that - I often use dots as shadows/shading and this time I used the grey Promarker again, and like the subtle effect it has given compared to using black.  The flowers are just doodles to fill up the space.

So there I am - caught between a life that I've loved but can no longer sustain, and a new life of freedom from responsibilities if relative penury!  Fortunately I LIKE beans - we may well have to eat a lot of them for a while - and am happy to get my clothes from charity/thrift shops.  I have a secret slush fund saved up for craft supplies - I definitely can't do without those!!