FINDING STRENGTH ...

This was a really heartfelt page, from a deep place inside me - much of my journal work is like that, but on this occasion it felt pretty much life-saving!  As you can see below, it began with a very simple painted background - the hint of print was an experiment with text transfer from an old book which didn't really work!  Not important in the end.

Then I began to draw wiggly lines with paint pens and fine black pens - the beauty of setting out to draw crooked lines is that it doesn't matter if your hand wobbles!  I just like to hold the pen loosely and see where it takes me.  The black line came first and then the greeny one, and the rest just followed.

Now there is sort of a stage missing between the above and below pictures - when I added the collage faces and the words "finding strength".  I didn't and I don't FEEL strong, but people keep telling me I am or that I'm brave.  It isn't how I feel, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other because its not like there's a choice.  And that's when these other words came out of the deep place, (after I'd cried a river of tears).  Yesterday was the first day in two months when I haven't cried at all, but actually I'm OK with that, its important to let the negative feelings out.  I dump them all on God and then I can go on.  Making this page will help me to remember that, on my worst days, I only have to take one more step, just one.

And after that there was nothing more to be said, so I simply did my usual doodling and filling up the space!  I added a couple of collage panels, which I doodled and drew on to make them my own, and lots more pen work, but for once I didn't find it necessary to fill every inch.

I debated whether or not to share this page, but in the end it felt right because the message is quite general and might apply to all kinds of situations.  I hope it might help someone else who is in that place where they feel like they just CAN'T take another step.

And if that all sounds very negative, don't panic!  Himself continues to do well, although progress is a tiny bit at a time.  I made this page on a very bad day that's all.  We don't know yet whether the lymph nodes were involved, and whether more chemotherapy lies ahead, but  that's all in God's hands, and for now we're just getting him over the massive surgery.  What I may lack in bravery I make up for in persistence!