I MUST BE MAD ....

 

I was DEFINITELY talking to myself here!  It's often said that this is the first sign of madness, but does it count if you're writing it down rather than muttering in the corner??

It started really simply - 3 or so colours of paint just slapped down any old how.  Backgrounds don't have to be clever or complicated!  After all you're going to write and collage on top.

So then I added some bits from my stash of collage materials, mainly copied from old journal pages. I cut out a circle from a plain section so I could write on it, and the purple curve on the left was put down for the same purpose.  As soon as it was stuck down I disliked the right hand section, so I just painted over it.

You can tell exactly what I was thinking from the very first things I wrote down.  ... I have this thing going on in my head that I'm not a worthwhile person unless I produce something every day - its kind of justification for my existence, because otherwise I often feel like a taker rather than a giver.

So more writing and reflection followed, as you can see below - and of course that crazy looking lady in the middle is meant to represent me.  I simply had to remind myself of all this because these ideas seem to have a pernicious hold on my mind, so much so that if I take time out to rest or simply don't achieve anything much with a day ... then somehow I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not USEFUL, I'm not FOR anything.  I know, completely MAD.

At this stage it sort of needed something but once I added the red it began to work as I'd hoped, and then I could just go for it with the doodly dots.  The branches are kind of about making connections in my brain with what is good and I know to be true, in order to overcome the negative ideas which creep in there when I feel vulnerable.  I guess a lot of people out there know all about the voice that whispers "you're a waste of space, you don't DO anything, you contribute nothing".

So if those voices are in your brain too, don't believe them, and fight back with everything you have because its NOT true.  My conscious brain absolutely doesn't believe those whispers, for myself or for others, and I'm not mad its just hard sometimes to be one of those people who "only stand and wait".  Because I don't work and can hardly do anything in terms of housework, it can be hard to find ways to do what I've always longed for - which is contribute something to society and make a difference to my fellow human beings.  This blog  is part of that effort ....