STUPID WORRYING PERSON

When I looked back I'd made a lot of journal pages about worry - obviously more of a preoccupation of mine that I'd previously realised.  Its not that I'm a control freak or anything (no really I'm not!) but I do like to be well organised and prepared for whatever is coming up - and sometimes you just can't see very far ahead.  That's when I start fretting and have to remind myself to stop.

As things have turned out I now have more than enough to worry about because my MIL who lives with us is ill, and caring for her is proving to be a helluva challenge .... We were ambushed by this happening out of the blue, but we are now trying to get Social Services involved to give us some help.  The really stupid thing is that in fact that wasn't what I was worried about here!  Duh, and will that teach me anything? It should, but it probably won't.

As usual (am still trying to love paint, but its not working so far) the background has been done with Caran d'Ache crayons, to which I added a dopey looking female and these typewriter stamps. I've had them for ages but hardly used them - what is it about such old fashioned looking letters that appeals?  I've got a computer font like this too, and use it a lot.  Maybe its because I learned to type on an old fashioned manual and still can't get over how wonderfully easy modern keyboards are to use?

Then I added a wobbly black line around the page, with what look like little cracks creeping in.  I do this quite a lot - it seems to define the page really effectively, or that could be just me trying to control stuff and keep it inside the box?

The final touches to what was a relatively simple page were a pointy finger stamp, some journalling and lots of doodling with white and black pens.  Hopefully whenever I leaf back through my journal I will encounter this page andl be reminded to stop worrying about whatever is on my mind at the time? 

Yeah right - is that the porcine squadron I hear passing overhead?

PANICKING ....

The more I hear about the new Welfare Reform Act the more worried I get about the future, and I was on a Disability Forum where people were recounting their experiences of the new assessment procedure (which is producing THOUSANDS of appeals). I suddenly got the complete heebie jeebies - most of the time I try to be strong and positive, but on this occasion simply failed.

As ever, I turned to my journal to work out my feelings - this is a background done with Caran D'ache Neocolour crayons, and a spot of spray ink (which really didn't show up as well as I wanted). I added this little person from Stampotique to represent myself - because I was feeling at the time very small and scared. Normally I am taller, quite vocal and a bit stroppy ....
I got as far as the stage below when I just burst into tears, so there had to be an hiatus for a bit while my Significant Other provided the necessary hugs and such reassurance as was possible. After that I decided I could either let it scare the hell out of me, or just get on with life and fight back.
And that was when I wrote the words about not giving in to my fear, and that got me launched into more positive mode ... so much so that I stopped remembering to take pictures. However, making art was, as it always is for me, a really healing process, and this page allowed me time to work through my panic to a calmer place. I'm one of those people who is sensible and can cope 99% of the time, but then every now and again I lose my perspective and have a distinct wobble.
I've used a sunburst sort of stamp, but also added quite a lot of doodling - my absolute favourite thing to do at the moment! Its slightly mindless but I find that helps.

Anyway I'm probably worrying about nothing, but when it gets to be my turn for assessment I will be ready and willing to fight my corner if necessary, or bring up the Big Guns to appeal a negative decision. Sorry to bore you with all this - it just does me good to face my fears and part of me hopes that by doing so I might just help somebody else .....

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! Yes, well more like squeak in reality, but its a start!

LIVING SIMPLY

I'm really pleased with how this turned out - not sure if you can see how the metallic lines shimmer so you'll just have to take it from me that they do. I did them with my new metallic Promarkers ... which are delicious!

Anyway, as usual I've taken stage pictures and you can see below how the page looked when I had rubbed on the Caran d'Ache crayons - I rub them at an angle to the page, sort of sideways, rather than using the point as this covers a bigger area quickly.
The photo below shows the difference when I have added water to the left hand side of the page and you can see how intense some of the deeper colours become.
And then this is the whole page once brushed with water, and some shading added to deepen some areas. I often make pages with these swirling bands of colour - for a start it tends to encourage me away from writing in straight lines!
And here it is when I've done a bit of work on it - there was quite a gap between finishing the background above and knowing what I wanted to say. Often I finish a page all in a few hours, but not this one. Just realised that the writing is pretty much in straight lines AGAIN, although later I did do some more journalling sideways on - can you tell it doesn't come naturally? I'm just one of life's straightists.
I picked out this face to add because it is so serene - it has the kind of calm peacefulness I aspire to, even if I don't often achieve it. I do try to tell myself that there's no point in kicking against the way things are - and perhaps even turn it into a positive. Am still working on that one and will let you know .... The lady in the bottle is there to express the feeling I sometimes have of being trapped behind glass (eg these 4 walls) and I try to remember that with modern technology the world can come to me even when I can't manage going out.
Here is the finished page and you can probably tell how much fun I had doodling away on it - kept me quiet and happy for hours! A lot of the wavy lines I drew were done with metallic Promarkers, which have given a lovely glimmer to the page. The smaller white dots were done with my Uniball Signo pen, and larger ones with my Posca paint marker.

Its surprising how much of a blessing not just having to but choosing to live simply can be - my day to day existence isn't complicated or difficult, many decisions are out of my hands, there is a straightforward set of "rules" I need to live by, and I don't need lots of money because art journalling doesn't require much in the way of materials. I try to keep those things in the front of my head, but of course I kick against it sometimes. Like when I see courses advertised that I can't afford to go on, but then realistically I probably wouldn't have had the energy anyhow, so no point in regrets anyway!

What I am thinking of doing next is offering AJ courses here at home (Preston UK) - I have a lovely studio with a big table but would only take 2/3 people at a time so attendees would get lots of personal tuition. I've taught a few classes already and LOVED it, and of course I've been teaching card-making and scrapbooking for years. If you might be interested just let me know ...

TREE OF LIFE ...

I came across this quotation from Proverbs not long ago, and was struck by the image. Strictly speaking the verses refer to the Biblical figure of Wisdom, who is female, but for me it works as a metaphor for God as well, and this page is the result. If you've been with me some time you will know that I (perfectly legitimately) relate to a female deity. Of course I don't wish to suggest that God is either male or female, but has aspects of both, while also being much more than we can begin to imagine. My own mother was such a difficult and unloving woman that I've found a lot of healing in relating to a female, motherly God.

You can see how I began below, with a pencil sketch - what I was trying to suggest was the tree element, which is why she has roots/branches in her hair. I drew so large (my journals are A5) that I didn't leave myself much space for the writing, but for me the image is central so I'm not too bothered, although if I was doing it again I might use the page portrait and write around the edges?
Then it was onto the Promarkers, adding layers of colour and those leaves in her hair. I always draw my God/Woman as both beautiful and SERENE, which for me is the key thing about her. She's calm and unshockable, but also full of love and kindness, and deep wisdom. Not forgetting warnings about graven images, that's what I was trying to capture.

Perhaps you can also see how I've elaborated on the sketched out lettering - first thickening each letter (as on the right) and then adding some curly bits to complete as on the left. Its just a gradual process of building up, and I practised on scrap paper to develop the style. It still needs work but I'm getting there.
And this is the finished page - with quite a lot of Gold marker added in to give her a truly special look. I have this image of myself hanging onto the trunk of the tree for dear life, while she wraps her arms and sheltering branches around me. Yes well, sorry if that leaves you baffled, but I guess some of you will know what I mean and some of you won't, and both are fine. I just hope it touches something in you at this very special time of year ....
Thank you for all the comments you leave - I really do treasure each one and online contact with other art journallers is a real lifeline into a shared forum of similarly obsessed artists!

HAPPY DANCING!

Just LOOK what I've got! These are my new Caran d'Ache watercolour crayons and I love them so much I think I've died and gone to heaven. This is the big set of 84 because I just wasn't happy with the tin of 30 colours I had, always wanting a colour I didn't have. This big set can cost a fortune, especially if you get it in the presentation wooden box but I chose to have the tin, and managed to get it for about £90 - the best price I could find anywhere, and unsurprisingly that was Ebay. I sold a few items which almost covered the cost so feel very pleased with myself! I use my crayons every single day as they're my absolute favourite medium, so I think the expenditure is worth it, and its a real treat having such a big range of colours.

Anyway, that's enough about happy burbling about that - thought I'd also take the opportunity to share a couple of pages where I didn't manage to take stage pictures. At the time I did this journal page (working in no.5 now!) I'd been having a minor explosion about something (probably the government again) and venting some steam at the radio. Afterwards I felt a bit guilty about my intemperate language, so this may have been me justifying getting so cross - I DO try to be calm and reasonable mostly but now and again something gets right up my nose. This is when I demonstrate that Christian charity is not always my strong point .... good job I'm C of E and not a catholic, or I'd have to do penance (again). If you're interested I did the bottle effect with the Stampin Up equivalent of Glossy Accents - which I prefer because its more runny and I find it more controllable because my arthriticky fingers can't squeeze the GA bottle.
The page below was also me having a jolly good whinge about something - I tend to call it therapy and claim that its important (see above) to get it off my chest. I must sound like a dreadfully grumpy old bat, but really I'm quite nice and generally a reasonable person. Does anybody else find that as they get older they become less and less tolerant of bad behaviour? Just me then ...
The writing tells the whole story - I was feeling very tearful and vulnerable because the doctor had insisted on reducing the dose of anti-depressants I take. This made me feel quite threatened because I have suffered from major depression in the past, and was really afraid that cutting the dose might tip me over the edge again. It hasn't, and it was probably never going to, but it was important to face my fears on the subject. You may be pleased to know that a few days later things settled down, and I now feel pretty normal again. If you know me at all and think of me as a sorted, confident person (I do a really good impersonation of one) this reveals the awful truth that I can do scared with the best of them! Better out than bottled up eh?

THE POWER OF JOURNALLING ...

I've now been making art journals (am on my 5th!) since August 2010, and am still constantly amazed by how this process can bring healing and peace, even through some pretty tough times. It seems to me that a purposeful reflection on life's events, or decisions made, in which you try to face clearly and boldly the mistakes you may have made (and I HAVE) has a powerful value in allowing you to move through and beyond the things that hold you back ......

I've been challenging myself lately to try new techniques and styles that don't necessarily come naturally - with occasionally surprising results! I tend to choose one colour and stay with it in toning shades, but I made myself pick several here - look at me combining orange and purple! And it looks nice, another lesson learned. This is all done with my trusty Caran d'Ache crayons, my favourite medium, and I've added a wiggly black line as a frame - I do that a lot, it seems to ground the page somehow?
And then I was cross with myself for one again forgetting that I could add texture, so dug out this mask that I'd never used (because I'm not sure I like it) and gave it a go, in the process managing to add deeper colour.
Another thing I sometimes forget is to use my vast array of stamps (you can never have too many, right?) and I haven't used this typewriter set nearly enough since I bought it. I also used a Paula Best stamp that hasn't had an outing lately (the face) and I can't think why because I LOVE it. You forget you've got them sometimes don't you?

I got so absorbed at that point that I totally failed to take any more stage by stage pictures, but you can see that I had a wonderful time drawing and doodling as well! About half way I realised I was writing in straight lines again, so I added the purple bit and now I love it. I seem to get stuck in a rut sometimes ... but fortunately not this time.
I love adding little doodly bits at the end - I bought a book on Zentangle and it has encouraged me to really explore the patterns and styles of doodling. What I've written here is just SO true for me - I'm a bit of a bore on the subject because it just seems to me a great discovery that could help SO many people, not just me. The best part for me is when someone else latches onto the power of art journalling and tells me how it has transformed their life - that's flippin BRILLIANT!

NO SENSE OF DIRECTION?

I found this signpost image in one of mum's magazines and I just HAD to grab it for my journal (practically before she'd finished reading it), because this is something I with at times (OK a lot of the time). I do try really hard to learn from the past, enjoy the present and not worry about the future, but am better at the theory than practice so am not always very successful ... and sometimes I really need/want to be sure that I'm heading in the right general direction! When I began this page I didn't know what I would be writing on it, and as you can see below it started as an inky page with a few numbers masked off, a bit of water dropping and a bit of Tim Holtz stamping .... this crackly edge is from his Ultimate Grunge collection, which I use a LOT.
It was some days later that I joyfully plonked my sign post down on the page, and set to journalling. I have to add - woo hoo look at me not writing in straight lines below - I don't always remember that I can write wiggly, or sideways or whatever, so feel its worth celebrating when I do manage it! I'm just a straightist who is trying to loosen up ... and although I did revert briefly further down the page, I managed a bit of sideways at the end.
Not too much writing on this one, well I'd said all that was necessary, but heavy use of the white pen (Uniball Signo, totally brilliant) and some further exploration of doodling possibilities. Who knew how effect short simple lines like these could be? Got the idea out of a Zentangle book.
I was pleased with this - one of those times when the art and the journalling seemed to sort of fit together? Sometimes they don't, but what the heck - I'm keeping these journals for ME and nobody ever sees them, right??

HE'S JUST SO SEXY ....

I'm a major fan of Stephen Fry - he's just so funny and SO knowledgeable. Yes I know he's a terrible old show-off as well, but I'm letting him off that. I have this mental list of people I'd rather like to have dinner with, and he's at the top of it - you have to admit he'd be GREAT comany? Anyway, when I found this picture of him in a weekend supplement I knew that sooner or later I'd absolutely HAVE to use it!

Unusually for me this is a painted background - I'm still trying to teach myself to love paint but it doesn't seem to come naturally. I'm also trying to be less tidy and to loosen up a bit and splodge stuff around (hence the paint), but I see I've managed to write in straight lines again and I did mean not to ...
I've never quite understand why I seem to fancy gay men, but there's no doubt that I often do - and I can't help that! I think my theory might be right - I can enjoy fancying them while knowing that they don't present any threat to me or my long marriage? Anyway, enough of that.
I add all sorts of bits that don't necessarily mean anything to this - that's me trying to loosen up and just PLAY ...
Its not remotely a typical page for me - but then that was the whole point, and I confess to enjoying making it very much. We shall have to see whether its just a flash in the pan - I suspect I'll soon go back to my neat and tidy ways! I can't help it, I grew up in a very messy house and it turned me right off and into a neat freak.

SHOE FETISH? ....and a challenge?

I don't actually have a shoe fetish, more of a shoe problem as you will see. Part of my condition means that the balls and heels of my feet hurt a lot, but if I get shoes with a good thick sole (eg trainers) I can manage. Well I laughed when I saw this picture in a magazine because it exactly illustrates the tension between what I'd like to wear and the reality of what I need to wear ...
This is a Caran d'Ache crayon background - they're still my absolute favourite medium, and I am now saving up for a bigger set of colours, because 30 doesn't seem enough and 84 sounds brilliant!

I also revisited a technique I use sometimes of cutting out words from magazine (free materials!) and trying to use them to say what I mean. Then of course came the fun part of tackling the empty bits,which seemed to need filling up, and I used an Invoke Arts stamp to do the creeping tendrils or whatever they are which always makes me smile. I also added a stamp of a shoe which looks like several I own, and reminds me of ones I wore as a kid.
So (as ever) having dug out these secret longings this was an attempt to resolve them by making a page about my negative feelings. Sometimes it helps to work through them. On this occasion it didn't - my inner child is still shouting for peep toes and pink patent. Sigh.

But on a brighter note .... the picture below is the beginning of a page I was working on yesterday, when it occurred to me to issue a challenge! Are you up for it? OK well your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make your own journal page (or indeed whatever) on the theme of "it makes me mad"!! Leave a comment with a link and we'll all have fun finding out what really gets up your nose, and you'll have the therapeutic benefit of getting it out of your system ...

A FAVOURITE POEM ...

I really like the work of Maya Angelou, and this is a verse from my favourite poem of hers. There's something about writing out a poem or passage which means a lot to you, that allows you to dig even deeper into the words. That's what I was doing here .... I was thinking about the evocative phrase "coiled in shells of loneliness" and that made me get out this stamp; I've had it for ages and never get tired of the intricate shapes of the nautilus shell. Sort of proof of the existence of God, its so lovely.
This was also an opportunity to use my new(ish) metallic Promarkers. They worked beautifully here, although they're so opaque I had to be careful to work between the stamped lines (done using Staz-On) because otherwise the metallics would have obliterated them. If you click on the photos they should enlarge for you, and then you might be able to see the metallic effect more clearly.

Then it was time for the ordinary Promarkers - I still use the spirit based ones and have yet to try out the Aquamarkers because I'm not convinced I NEED them (yet). I used the chisel end to create waves of colour across the page, and somehow these blue/green shades were just right, I can't actually explain why, they speak of the sea somehow ... well not the sea around these northern shores, more like the Mediterranean.
Then I took a couple of close-up pictures for you because a few people have mentioned my lettering and I wanted to show you how I do it, and how easy it is! First of all I write the letters very simply, allowing a lot of space, then I go back and thicken each letter, as you can see below, and once that's done I often add curly fanciful bits at the ends or feet of the letters - which are not only a mixture of upper and lower case, but all different heights and widths, so no need to worry about straight lines or anything!

The observant among you may also notice that I've used my Neocolour crayons on top of the Promarkers to add shading and depth - I love how you can build up layers of colour in this way, and often use them to deepen shades in parts of the page.
I hope you can see again here how the letters are gradually built up from the first thin lines I write? Its basically a kind of doodling really, and I'd suggest you get a rough notebook or piece of paper and just have a go for yourself. If I come up with a different way of doing a particular letter I always record it in my experiments notebook. I'd also advise that you study lettering wherever you see it - that's where I got the idea to make the L large with its foot going under the other letters. In the same way its fun to make the tail of a g or y curl around under the rest of the word. Look out for little bits and pieces and ideas you can use, and gradually you come up with a way of writing letters which is as individual as you are!
This is the final finished page - relatively unadorned for me, although I couldn't resist adding these other 'shells' (I think they're ammonites strictly) and was experimenting with some rather more delicate doodling than I usually do. Its just one of those times when less seemed to be more.
I'll try and show you some more lettering, if I can get around to making a tutorial of sorts - but in the meantime its useful to just practice whenever you can until it comes quite naturally, although I do find my hand gets awful cramp when I do a lot of it! Hope you like the poem - this verse is part of "A Brave and Startling Truth", and I just love it .....

NOT COMING OUT ...

You know those days ... the ones where you're all out of sorts with yourself and cranky? The days when you really can't be bothered to be nice to people or massage their egos one more time. You do? Well it was one of those when I made this page, and it had the desired effect of making me laugh my way out of the low mood! It doesn't feel too good in that place does it?

So I covered the page with red and orange (angry colours sometimes) and then drew my image on a separate sheet of paper. Its coloured with my trusty Promarkers (which I also used to do the writing, and draw wobbly lines around the page).

The eagle-eyed among you may spot that I patched in a section of the top of the wall - I wasn't happy with the hands (always tricky to draw) so I did them again. Doodling followed - I can't seem to resist, and its wonderfully soothing somehow .... Rain cloud just seemed to work, and I would have liked to write an even stronger message, but couldn't quite bring myself to write very rude words in my journal!
So if you ever have days like this (and who doesn't?) put it there sister. I can be nice, even very nice indeed, some of the time, but not all of the time, and sometimes I get cranky, or mad, or feeling badly done to, because I'm human. So I wrote about it and felt better. Marvellous therapy this journalling lark .....

LET YOUR SPIRIT FLY ...

I recently bought a handbag from Disaster Designs, whose stuff just makes me smile every time I see it (I've got one of their purses now too). My bag has birdies all over it, and came with a label which had birdies like those above on it. I was so tickled by how these made me feel that I set to work trying to draw ones like them (which was fun to do) and I added a stamped image at the top of a spiral binding. The lil birdy at the bottom is my own original design! This is one of those times when I worked directly onto the blank page, and then below you can see how I began to add colour around the images .... (and a few more birdies admiring the flying ones)!
When I add colour afterwards like this its almost always using either my Caran d'Ache crayons or Promarkers, because these give me the necessary control to go around the images. At this stage I didn't actually know what the page would be about (that often happens) but when I began to wonder why I liked birdies so much it came to me that its something to do with the freedom of flight. Inevitably that got me thinking about my physical limitations, but also the absolute truth that my spirit can still fly freely ....
Its an important reminder that I need not be limited by what my body can manage but, as I wrote at the bottom, I still have the wings of imagination to take me soaring .... Hope you will feel strengthened by my birdies to take your own wings. I love reading your comments and responses even if I don't often manage to get back to all of you. Happy Birdies to You!