WHO WILL SEE MY PAIN?

Something of a cri de coeur here ... a page that arose out of an appointment with my arthritis specialist.  She told me that the drugs I'm on were working, and I asked why in that case I was still in so much pain?  Oh, she said, I can't do anything about your pain.  She repeated this forcefully about three times, just in case I hadn't understood it the first time.  I wanted to scream and shout "what use are you then?", but what I actually did was cry, real gut wrenching sobbing from a deep place of despair.  Maybe it was necessary that I got that out.  Then, there being no alternative, I picked myself up and got on with life again ... and gradually made my negative feelings into this page.

I think the prickly cactus actually represents the ever present pain, but I put it down in the corner where I can make it smaller and more manageable.  The butterfly is about rising above that reality, and my attempt to live a vivid and colourful life despite it.

I was thinking about the way I'd cried from the depths of my being that day, and how healing it had (eventually) been, so I made my lady into a clown of sorts - the kind who presents a smiling face, which is what I do.  The doodles across the corners represent the layers of my life that most people never get to see or understand.

But then the words came, and the cry from the heart that SOMEONE has to see and understand my pain, believe in how hard this journey of 26 years has been and is.  That's all I wanted; acknowledgement.  Its OK to say you can't fix it, but I need someone to recognise its importance and how it dominates my life.

The painted face and the bright colours are the face I show to the world - let's face it nobody loves a Moaning Minnie, so I try very hard not to be one.  That can be TOUGH.

So this page isn't just for or about me, its also for and about all those who suffer chronic pain but try to put a brave face on it to spare the people around them the realities of their daily life.  Its a cry from the heart to just now and again be seen, heard, and sometimes even briefly understood.

You have to have that to make it possible to continue ...
Rosie

PEACE AND SILENCE ...

 

When I was a lot younger, along with the majority of my peer group, I enjoyed listening to music radio.  Gradually I shifted my allegiance towards talk radio, the serious kind, which is BBC Radio 4 in the UK.  A decade ago I would have had the radio on most of the day, but then I began to select to stream only the programmes I really wanted.  Now I've come to appreciate quietness more and more, and have days when I don't turn it on at all.  It might just be me, but I wonder if less external noise is something a lot of people crave as they grow older? 

I started this page with no sense of purpose or direction, but chose to use soft blues for my painted background ... seeking a kind of visual quietness? 

I just let the blue collage grow and spread in soft curving shapes with no hard, straight lines ... and as you can see the grey shadow and black outline manages to delineate individual areas and yet at the same time unify the elements into a whole.  The word "life" just looked right when I put it there!

I added hair to the lady at the bottom and a little bit of doodling.  The pink just sort of crept in, but there's not too much of it.  That left me with a big blank space in the middle, and (after some staring into space) I just wrote this in it - a quote from the desiderata which I've always loved.

Some people might have left it like this, but I was unable to resist the temptation to doodle on it a bit more until a point came when it felt finished.

I've discovered that I need silence more and more - just as my health problems mean I have to rest a lot, so I also need to rest my poor tired brain or I suffer from sensory overload.  I could play instrumental music but I only do so occasionally, I'm just happy with my own thoughts a lot of the time, and do some of my best praying in that space.
Love
Rosie

Apologies for being missing ... my life was interrupted not only by the Christmas and New Year holiday activities, but also by being ill the entire time.  NOT the most festive of seasons, and therefore more time was spent on the sofa than at my desk working in my journal.

This is the solitary page I produced, and while its not necessarily one of my best or most inventive, it does capture that beginning of a new year feeling, always a reflective time for me.  Wishing to strike a positive note I painted the page red and added the beginnings of a collage border.

And then below you can see the border pretty much finished and looking suitably cheerful.

Adding black outlines, grey shadows and a human being turned it into something more personal and genuinely my own.  I like to think this Modigliani lady looks slightly doubtful but vaguely optimistic, where is where early January found me!

So then I set out my thoughts concerning a new year - I never make resolutions - but I am hoping for and expecting the usual mixed bag of highs and lows.  Bring it on because experience teaches that both turn out to be blessings in the fullness of time ...

Forgive me that this is somewhat brief, am still far from well - when you are immune suppressed you never get mild infections only Great Big Horrible ones that can put you in hospital.  It almost did but I talked my way out of it, saying that my Beloved would look after me at home better than they ever could.  Which turns out to be true.
Many Blessings to you and yours in 2019.
Rosie

A DIFFICULT WOMAN ...?

 

In recent months a number of incidents have added together to stoke the fires of my lifelong feminism, and resulted in my making a deliberate choice to assert myself more.  When you have limited energy its easy to just go along with stuff because the cost of fighting back is too high.

Someone was incredibly rude to me, but because children were present and obviously aware of the atmosphere, I chose to simply walk away and not take on my critic.  Afterwards (like you do) I asked myself if I should have spoken up, and whether I was in fact a Difficult Woman who should mend her ways.  Eventually, after a lot of prayer and reflection I concluded that it had been right to spare the children embarrassment, but it also reminded me that I don't have to apologise to anyone for being a woman unafraid to state a strong opinion.  You don't have to agree and I'm not afraid to be challenged, even if I do have to choose which battles to fight and which to walk away from.

All this was in my mind as I worked on this page - a simple painted background with collage elements.

Frida Kahlo is a particular heroine of mine because she lived in lifelong pain but also very much on her own terms, so she seemed to belong on this page.  I've also added more collage, grey shadows and some doodly details to make the collage pieces more truly mine.

At which point all that was left was to speak my truth ... and leave it there.  I'm not going to stew over it, and I am going to forget and forgive the rudeness of the person who spoke to me.  However, I'm not sorry that it reminded me of some of the truths I have lived by for 50 years, and stirred up my fire again!

I hope you and yours have a lovely Christmas season, and thank you for being with me on the journey.
Rosie

A WORLD IN COLOUR

 

Here's my latest page ... the first in a while as seasonal activities have meant there hasn't been as much time for my art journal as I'd like ...

However I sat down with a page and painted it yellow, then added some grey texture with paint and a baby wipe.

Then, as usual, I got stuck in monochrome mode and started to put down grey collage elements.  Its as if once my creative brain starts to work in a single colour, no others can be considered, and this is something I have to fight against.

Then, as I added shadows and black lines, I looked at the page and thought "what is going on here"?  I'm a person who loves and celebrates COLOUR!  (You should see the explosion of shades in my studio).

So I dug about in my collage stash and added some RED, to insist that my world could never be as grey as this! It also became a protest about the grey November day outside, and possibly the low mood I started out in.

I don't do well in the dark winter months and have to fight a tendency to curl up in a corner and hibernate ... but Christmas is coming and I'm fighting back!  Once we get past the longest day my mood always subtly lifts.

And for those of us who follow such things, the Christian season of Advent is almost upon us ... with its great cry of "Awake".  So I will.

THANK YOU ...

I was looking back at my journal pages (coming towards the end of book no.14) and couldn't help noticing that they deal a lot more with the things I struggle with than all the blessings in my life.  So I decided to redress the balance with this page, and made a positive start by painting it pink, which is my happy colour!

I added a pretty lady from my stash of clippings and started to draw and put down collage elements - trying always to resist my tendency to put a simple frame around the page.  Nothing wrong with doing that, but I do like to challenge myself to work in different ways.

While working I was thinking about how small my life has become - not getting out all that much, social life primarily online etc etc, usual self pity party.  Gave myself a good telling off for not appreciating what I do have - it may be a little life but it IS a good one, with friends and family, a whole host of hobbies and interests, and generally so much to be grateful for.

Lots of fun doodling and drawing on this page, as you can see - that's the part I enjoy most, getting in the zone and just playing with paint pens and collage.

Sorry I haven't written much here, but it was our youngest daughter's wedding this past weekend.  It was the most wonderful day in a historic hall in the city of York, but unsurprisingly it was also very very tiring.  Now back at home and planning to rest and recover most of this week .... but (at risk of vanity) I did want to demonstrate that I can clean up well when I have to!

PS if my hair looks a bit odd its because I am wearing a tiny little black hat!
Rosie x

DARK CLOUDS ....

I wasn't going to publish this page, out of a wish not to depress people who might be experiencing their own dark clouds.  However, when I thought it through it came to me that feelings like these are just part of life, and everyone has them from time to time.  What matters is only that we do find a way, and we CAN carry on ....

The weather at the time was dark and miserable, and my mood does fluctuate with the light.  It wasn't my original intention to make any kind of gloomy page - I just like purple!  So I splodged down some lilac paint, and began to collage over it.

Then I began drawing, making "connections" between the elements on the page, as well as adding outlines and shadows.  Joining things up does matter to me, because I do believe that nothing and nobody exists other than in relationship to someone or something ... and its a source of constant amazement and joy to me to discover unexpected connections.  God sees all the pieces of the puzzle and knows what she's doing.

I got to the stage below (photographed later in the day when the light wasn't very good) and then got completely STUCK.  I'd left this space in the middle to write in but had no idea what words belonged there.

So I set the page aside and worked on other things.  Then one morning I limped into the studio ... and there was the journal open at this page.  I literally sat down and immediately, without thinking about it, wrote these words.

But (as my granny used to say) "better out than in".   I learned painfully a long time ago that bottling up negative feelings is really REALLY bad for you, so I don't.  The journals have always been a way to look into my soul and find out what's going on in there that I won't always admit, even to myself.

Even the act of writing the words down helped to lift my spirits and I am pleased to report that my present mood is one of unrelieved optimism, but then again the sun is currently shining ...

Autumn ....

I am returned from sunny climes, but for some reason the jet lag absolutely clobbered me this time, so I'm still catching myself up and feeling dazed and confused.

Anyway, perhaps with the echo of the sunshine still in my mind, I painted this page a golden yellow - which was then given texture by blotting the wet paint with a wet wipe.  Hunting around in my collage I found a sheet of pumpkin images ... and with multi coloured autumn leaves blowing past my window, my subject was provided!

Below you can see the effect of my usual technique of outlining the images in black and adding a shadow.  The leaves were made using a rubber stamp I've had for around 20 years - one of the most useful I've ever bought, but horribly fiddly to cut out.  At this stage I suddenly noticed that I'd missed the "n" off Autumn and panicked.  However, I put a coat of gesso over most of the "m", then painted the gold/yellow over the top, and finally drew the letters in smaller.  There are few mistakes that gesso can't fix!

So there you are, my own particular ode to Autumn, which while beautiful is actually a bit of a shock to the system after temperatures topping 90 degrees when we were away.  The shops were still full of pumpkins but we were in the USA.

I DO love this time of year, and it felt good to record and take time to enjoy that.  Am I the only one whose thoughts turn ahead to Christmas even this early?  I've already got preparations in hand ... but that comes from having very little money when our children were young, so that we absolutely had to spread the cost of it all from September onwards.
Yours dazedly
Rosie X

I WANT MORE ... but probably can't have it

In a rush with this as off on vacation in a couple of days, and panic sets in every time what with trying to sort out disabled assistance at the airport, medication, not to mention sharps disposal, copy prescriptions etc etc.  It'll be fabulous when we get there (wall to wall sunshine) but I'm at that stage where I'm so overwhelmed by the preparation that I no longer want to go ....

Anyway, enough of that!  A painted background as usual - and I even managed to use more than one colour!  I must be improving ...

Then the collage goes down and the necessary person goes in.  Maybe I need a bit of a jolt artistically speaking, because I'm really starting to feel that my pages are all becoming the same and a bit formulaic?

Completed collage with black outlines and shading.  At this stage I really didn't know what it was going to be about, but my subconscious obviously did when I stuck down "look for more".

Because then I exploded all over the page in my frustration at the limited life I have to live.  I really kick against it sometimes, but I guess that's normal.  I just want a life like everyone else, with friendship and laughter, spontaneous outings etc etc.  The reality is that if friends rang up and said "let's go out this afternoon" there's a strong chance I'd have to say no - but inside I want to say YES!  Yes to all of it, a full life, a retirement rich in experiences ...  In other words s'not fair. 

And it isn't, but it can't be changed so there's no point in using my limited energy to rail against fate.  God reminds me gently that I can still be of use in my small way.  And I get to go on holiday to a warm place where my bones won't ache nearly so much - and that makes me a very fortunate person.  I do count my blessings, honest, its just that sometimes I need to express the darker stuff .... because that's part of me too.

See you in October!!
Love
Rosie X

SMALL THINGS ...

Not for the first time, I encountered that quote from Mother Teresa "do small things with great love".  It came (probably not a coincidence) at a time when I was frustrated by my inability to do anything very much, from a feeling that I wasn't GIVING, wasn't making a difference in the world.  Mother Teresa also said "Let's do something beautiful for God" and when I was ordained priest that's what I believed I was called to.  I already had Fibromyalgia even then, and didn't (couldn't) see how that would come to shape the life I was able to live and the things I was able to give.  I thought back then that God had called me for my strength, but it turned out to be in my weakness that she could most powerfully use me ...

Trying to express this positive truth into my temporary darkness was worked out as ever through my journal.  Pink is my happy colour so that's where I began.  The big bloom is the person I always hoped I might be ...

But as my life went on my ability to "bloom" (in my own terms, not to mention pride and vanity) got smaller and smaller ...

 Until I felt like the small and unregarded person in the corner ...

But that small person and that small life turned out to have greater power to touch people and make a difference than the strong woman I liked to imagine I was ever could.

So here is my celebration of the woman I am now: more understanding of and gentle with my own frailties ... and therefore with those of others, and able to reach into the dark places people inhabit because I have been there myself.  And still visit that place sometimes.

It has been a battle long fought and hard won, and there are still days when I WISH it could be different.  But I do believe I am where I'm meant to be and giving/sharing my particular gifts ... even from my (pink) wheelchair!

OVERWHELMED ...

Bit of a theme with this page and the last one I posted - I seem to have had too much on, more than I really have energy for.  As part of fibromyalgia I experience a kind of sensory overload where my brain goes into freeze mode and won't function.  Always a strong message that I need to rest!  However, if I'm not tied to the sofa then one way of resting is working in my journal ...

So I just opened the drawer with the paint in and grabbed whatever took my fancy - trying hard not to pull out all pinks or all blues, which is a besetting sin of mine.  Delighted that I managed to use THREE colours on this page !

I really enjoy black line drawing and doodling.  I wouldn't necessarily describe it as zentangle, although definitely inspired by those techniques.  Another Modigliani lady also found her way onto the page - sometimes I copy them in black and white, as I'd done here, because I like the look on the page.  She has a slightly stunned expression which fit my mood exactly!

I promised myself that I could go pretty crazy with the doodling because it was going to be there to represent how overwhelmed I was feeling and how complicated it felt like life had become.  It may be true that it wasn't actually all that bad, but it doesn't take much to knock me off course.  I like life simple, well NEED it to be.

You can see that I've added some touches of white and red to make the patterns a bit more interesting, and I like how the painted background shows through some areas.  Just look at all those vines and creepers coming to tangle me up ... and there's almost a jellyfish feeling to some of it?  Well I certainly know all about the "sting in the tail", and it did feel good to get all that negativity out of my system.

On days like these I have to remind myself to breathe deeply and just take things one at a time.  There have been a lot of hospital appointments recently because the new drugs I'm taking have had some negative effects which had to be investigated, one of which was blurry vision, making journalling difficult, not to mention computer time.  Hopefully now that's (mostly) checked out, life will once again become calm and serene (I wish)!

Rosie x