You know how you volunteer for or agree to do something even though you know its a terrible idea and you will almost certainly regret it? Yeah, that. Well, against my better judgement, I was persuaded to take part in an 8 week Pain Management course. I had a shrewd idea that it would take too much of my limited energy, and after 27 years figured it was unlikely they would be suggesting anything I hadn't already tried. I was right, but being too polite to tell them so have persevered hoping it would improve, with the result that I am now very very tired. Last session tomorrow, thank the Lord, and then I can get my life back ...
So in the middle of the course it just wasn't working and I wanted to say so, but didn't feel I could, and anyway I was grateful that the NHS had provided it, and I did think perhaps I could make some useful contribution even if I didn't take much out. This page is how I dealt with my mixed feelings ....
I just painted the page some of my favourite colours and took it from there, though I should have guessed in advance what I needed to get out of my head and onto paper. Below you can see on the left how I put down some collage, and on the right you can see how the addition of a black outline and a grey shadow makes the whole thing come together as a unified whole?
These words below were the ones that just fell out of my brain and onto the page. I really wanted to drop out of the course and say it was too much (it was/is) but felt reluctant to reject anybody's offer of help (so I didn't). Sigh. I used to be assertive but now I just don't have the energy.
But as ever it all felt a lot better to give expression to my feelings and acknowledge them, even if I didn't feel able to act on them.
And because I actually didn't want the helping people to go away (originally written down at the bottom right) I painted that part out. I wanted to just say no, but that turned out to be hard. Too hard. So now its going to take weeks to recover, and its entirely my own fault. Sigh.
Yours wearily
Rosie
3 comments:
I was wondering where you were and was getting a little concerned something had happened! Saying 'no' is hard. I hope you get back to some sort of norm soon. Until then take it easy and gentle hugs xx
Gentle hugs and I do hope you recover soon xxx NO is so difficult for most of us I think xx Take care x
Your sentiment is one I can really hear echoing round my own psyche right now - though I didn't know it had words until reading yours, so beautifully expressed as ever. Feeling for you ... and hoping that you'll be able to let go soon into the bliss (except you'll probably feel too worn out to feel it as bliss) of not having to make an effort so that others feel OK. You are so right about the shading - I am always fascinated by these before and after photos. As always, holding you warmly in my thoughts.
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