A BETTER MOTHER?

I made this page because some of my recent encounters with my (now grown and flown) daughters have been nothing short of wonderful, and I was full of a need to record how proud I am of them.

I had already made a simple background with Caran d'Ache crayons and added these Washi Tapes and one or two other bits and bobs, including this wonderful picture of a little girl.  She reminds me so strongly of my youngest daughter ... I think its the way her bottom lip sticks out!

And then I simply wrote down what I was feeling - I am trying not to be such a straightist so although I did write in more or less straight lines, I did make the lettering lots of different sizes, which is progress for me!

It didn't take much to finish the page off, just a few extra touches of shading and the obligatory decorative dots!  Well you've got to have those.  I suppose this is quite a simple page, but then it was a fairly simple thought.  I did worry a lot about being a good mother (mine was awful) when they were little, and then I came across the concept of a good-enough mother, which liberated me from trying too hard.  I made lots of mistakes but can only believe now that I did some things right as well!

I find it exciting that I've just started work in this, my 7th journal.  Hard to believe I've been journalling away since August 2010, and since I discovered it have only occasionally done anything else!  My journals come with a white gesso cover which allows me to decorate each one differently.  This one was painted metallic black (I was in a slightly steampunk mode at the time) and I added metal effect studs and hinges, with a Tim Holtz plaque to finish it off.  I always tie ribbons and all manner of bits and bobs to the journal spine, including a numbered tag.  I used to date my pages but don't bother now, but I do make a  note on the inside cover when I began and when I finished.

And here are the other six sitting on my shelf!  I love going back to them and musing over the journey I've made, and how far I've come (or indeed not come).  I feel incredibly fortunate to have discovered this wonderful art form which fits me to a T (although I do still sew, scrapbook etc etc), and it gives me much joy and delight to share them with you ....

Rosie

REDHEAD?

I finally made a page about something that has irritated me all my life - I'm one of five children and most of the others have red hair, real carrot tops.  Not me, mine is so dark as to be almost black ... although there are some advantages, in that even as a grandmother there is very little grey in it.  Apparently my grandfather (from whom I inherited my colouring) was exactly the same.

Anyway, I was trying to be brave and work outside my comfort zone again, getting out paint and stencils ...  WHY doesn't this feel remotely natural to me, its not as if I don't like the results! Who can say why something lights your fire and something else doesn't?  I think the paint thing is probably to do with the fact that I prefer watercolour, but I've got a huge stash of acrylics that I feel obliged to use up ...

I'd cut out this picture from a magazine just knowing that I could do something with it, and so enthusiastic was I that I forgot to take pictures of the stages between the above and below images.  Ah well, you may be unsurprised to learn that I'm not actually perfect ... except in the cat's eyes.  OK, not even in his.

I have been challenging myself not to write in straight lines, or make all my letters the same size, and do seem to have achieved that here.  I admit it, I'm a straightist, and yes I do straighten pictures.  Sigh.  Another challenge was not to be scared of empty space (I have had a tendency to fill every inch with doodles and decorations).

Anyway, there it is, and I not only feel better for getting that grumble off my chest but actually (if I'm being scrupulously honest) I now realise that I rather like my hair just as it is.  Oh the joys of getting older and being (almost) entirely comfortable in your own skin ... I recommend it! :)

Fed Up? Oh you betcha .....

This page was prompted by the vote on Women Bishops being lost here in the UK ... I was shocked by the result because I really thought we would get it, in fact I was confident, even though I knew it was likely to be close.  Its clear now, some time later, that the result owed a lot to the fact that people who were in favour of women in the episcopate felt they had to vote against a bad piece of legislation, which I DO understand.  Its just that at the time I was SO blooming cross ....

That's why I made a page about it - well that's what keeping an art journal is for, right?  To work out difficult stuff as well as celebrate and record better stuff.  This is a background made with my trusty Caran d'Ache crayons ... and its only now that I wonder if it looks vaguely gynaecological?  Just me then ...

This set of (clear) typewriter stamps have been in my stash for some time, but I've only ever used them on scrapbook layouts.  For some reason it felt right to use them here - maybe I didn't trust myself to do tidy writing when I wanted to explode?  Could be, although maybe wobbly angry writing could have spoken volumes ...

Then I started to do all the twiddly bits of writing and decorating.  I like using this Stampotique head, it represents me when I'm not exactly at my best!  Anyway, like me, I think she has a certain freakish charm ...

And as you can see I got all sorts of stuff off my chest and had fun doing it too.  Where would I be without my journal, I honestly think I'd go (even more) bonkers without it, so quickly has it become an absolutely essential part of my life.  I work in it pretty much every day, and feel a bit odd when I don't, even if its just to paint a background or something.  After a few early experiments I first started
keeping a proper journal in August 2010, and have now filled six, and am just starting out on the seventh.

I love seeing them all on the shelf, with lots of ribbons and all manner of stuff tied onto the spiral bindings, not to mention each having a little tag with the number.  I use the blank journals which have a plain white gesso cover, so each one is decorated differently and individually.

I rather like this page, it records some genuine pain and anger that it will be instructive to look back on ... and I'm hopeful that this summer will see some new (and much improved) legislation put to the vote.  Come ON sisters!!

JUST BREATHE .....

If you're a regular visitor here you may notice something unusual about this page?  Its got lots of empty space, which is not like me at all!  Generally I fill every corner with bits of writing and doodling, but not this time ....

It started out like this ... a background made with Caran d'Ache crayons with a little bit of pink ink dabbed through a stencil.  Then I drew some strange, almost organic shapes (was my brain still thinking about arteries and body parts like the other week)??  Dunno really, who knows what goes on in there, I don't even remember most of it!

The black lines were done with a Promarker - I like doing wobbly thicknesses like this, and anyway if I tried to make them all neat, of equal thickness and regular I'd never do it!  If wobbles are inevitable why not make an artistic feature of them?  Then I wrote  "breathe slowly" - and its funny how I didn't know that I needed to do so until those words appeared on the page - my journalling is often intuitive like that.  It felt like I was getting a message from Herself upstairs, especially when the other words turned up.

I do have a bit of a tendency to worry about stuff, instead of handing it over and saying "I can't deal with this, but I know you can", but I think (I hope) I'm getting better at it.  A bit more writing (in my own handwriting yet!) and it was done.  No more words, message received and understood.

Obviously I couldn't resist doing a few dotty decorations, but even these were restrained by my usual standards, and I was quite comfortable with the empty space.  Actually I've been looking at journal pages on Pinterest recently, and noticed that some of the ones I liked the best were very clean and simple.  You wouldn't normally describe my pages that way - another message from Herself?  It may have been divinely inspired, or (possibly more likely) I was in a funny mood.  Whatever.   I like it though!

PS I've just noticed that my visitors have passed the 10,000 mark - and that's with a reset from 0 when for some reason I lost the blog counter!  I'm awed and amazed.  Thank you for coming by.

A BIT CONFUSED ....

This was one of the times when I made a (Caran d'Ache crayon) background and then didn't know what to do with it - I sometimes  just make something/anything for when inspiration strikes!  Anyway it was some days later than I finally sat down in front of this and that's when I drew these branching lines with a Promarker pen, which write really well over the crayon surface.  I had some vague idea about branching arteries in my head, but in the end that's not what it turned out to be about!

And that's why I titled this entry "a bit confused" because I was - I think!  There seemed to be a lot of random stuff going on in my life, and I was trying to make sense of it.  Because I believe in the interconnectedness of all things, I never assume that things are truly random, and am always looking for patterns.

I've often preached about life as a great tapestry - think of the work of Kaffe Fassett, a brilliant explosion of colour and pattern.  When you can only see your own small corner of the tapestry, you might not even have all the colours it contains, let alone see how the pattern works, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.  So I talk about God as a kind of masterweaver ... the only one who can see the whole pattern, knows how it works and how individual warp and weft threads relate to one another.  That's kind of what I was thinking about here - I couldn't see the patterns in my own life, but I was convinced they were there.  I might never get to know how my words or actions contribute to the whole, but will have to trust that they do ....

You may also detect that I've been exploring zentangle doodling again ... (that's those black and white patterns in some of the spaces).  It isn't half fun to do, and the complex patterns seemed to illustrate something of what I was thinking about.

I spend quite a lot of time "a bit confused", but overall I know the pattern is there, that I'm a necessary and unique part of it, and most of all (despite or even because of me) it is beautiful ....

CHOOSE

 Back from Venice with hundreds of photographs to turn into a scrapbook, but the first thing I turned to was my journal...  This page began when I found this pencil sketch online, and it seems to me to illustrate the half full/half empty thing.  The background and the sun are done with Caran d'Ache crayons, and the grey bottle is pasted onto the page.

This is a bit of a soapbox of mine, so forgive me if I've bored you with this before, but I find that I can (and indeed MUST) make this choice daily, if not hourly!  It would be so easy to get dragged down by my illness, and to have a relentlessly negative outlook on life ... and I do have someone in my extended family who is like that, and nobody wants to be near them.  A good lesson to try and see the positive and celebrate your blessings, rather than endlessly rehearsing your woes and complaints!

But there are days when my inner Pollyanna goes on strike, and I WANT to feel sorry for myself, in fact I feel positively entitled.  But its not just me, there are countless people who could with perfect justification complain about the hand life has dealt them, and the poor quality of their life, but if they do .... they make themselves extremely unpopular.  Its not that a positive attitude changes anything, because it doesn't - the facts remain the same, but what can and does change is how you view it, and therefore deal with it.

So even when its difficult to do so I try to remember to count my blessings, and celebrate all that is good in my life, rather than focusing on the negatives.  It really works - and journalling helps! That alone makes me feel lucky!

ALL THINGS PASS ....

This page began when I read an online thread about dribbling with ink - which made me want to have a go, and as you can see that's what I did.  Sadly I am rather put off doing it again by the fact that I then upended half a bottle of ink all over the desk.  This rather put me off ink and I haven't used any since ... well I haven't got that much left!

Anyway, this is a Distress Ink background with the black ink dribbled onto it.  The next part was the big writing in the middle - which tells you everything you need to know about my frame of mind at the time.  I was (am) struggling with something I can't change, so needed to do some work on shifting my mental attitude - and isn't art journalling just fantastic for that?  I've worked so many things out this way .....

The "spatters" are actually a stamp, as is the picture and the number at the top.  After I'd done all the writing above, it was just down to doodling and drawing (my favourite part) until I felt the page was "finished".

Orange feels to me like a strong, positive colour - just right for the message I was trying to give myself.  It did work, and this is one of those pages I go back to sometimes to remind myself to look at life from the half-full rather than half-empty perspective.  The other thing that helps lift my mood when I get a bit down is smiling - yes really!  I heard that it triggers good hormones, something to do with the autonomic nervous system?  Anyway, it also works and I recommend it .... but not when anyone is looking or they will wonder what you've been up to!!

WISE? Not me ....

This page came directly out of one of the readings at church - which was that "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom"  That really got me thinking!

You know the one about "older and wiser", well I got to wondering if I am - wise that is, and I guess you can see how my mind meandered on from that.

I'd made this background I wasn't very pleased with - as you know I try to experiment outside my comfort zone - and this is Distress inks, and I've stamped the curly pattern around the edges.  I never seem to get very intense colour with distress ink - possibly because the repeat movements to build up layer upon layer are difficult for me and make my arm hurt!  I've got these sponge dabbers I rather like, but wasn't too keen on the result when I dabbed the orangey bits on.  Never mind, it seemed right to use it anyway. 

I actually drew the owl on a separate piece of paper and then stuck him onto the page, but the branch was drawn directly on.  My owl is version 3 or 4 (I wouldn't like to show you 1 and 2) and he looks a bit bad-tempered if you ask me! 

And this is how it looked when I'd finished doodling and drawing on it.  It still isn't a page I'm madly enthusiastic about (which is why I haven't blogged it before now) but I do like and want to remember the sentiment, because it still speaks strongly to me.  I'm old and wise enough to know that I've learned the most through making mistakes and blunders, even if the memory of them still has the power to make me cringe ....

PS Anyone want to buy my collection of (unloved) Distress Inks????

GRUMPY ...

Do you ever get into one of those moods where you are just thoroughly out of sorts with yourself, and kind of itchy scratchy cranky?  What our parents used to call "got out of bed the wrong side"?  I hope you do and that it isn't just me!  Anyway, it was one of those days, so when I found this picture in a magazine it really spoke to the way I was feeling ... and before you know it a journal page was the result.

I really didn't know what I was planning to do, I just stuck the picture down and then rubbed crayon (Caran d'Ache) all over the page.

And it really came alive when I brushed water onto the crayon and the colour lifted off the page.  Then, without knowing what I was going to put, I picked up a pen and wrote this!  I made myself laugh just looking at it, so was already talking myself out of my grumps.

And it just went from there.  My beloved had been in and out of my Studio - he could tell all wasn't well with me, but I didn't want to have to explain, I just wanted to get my head down and get on with it.  In a way the page is my explanation.

So I took the opportunity to get some stuff off my chest, and most definitely felt the better for it.  Some days thats what you need, right?  Plus it was an opportunity to laugh at myself for being cranky!

This page still makes me laugh when I look at it, so I can't stay grumpy for long when I read it.  Perhaps everyone should have a page in their journal which can do this - just to talk themselves out of the glums ....?

THE WORLD DIDN'T END .....

But then you never really thought it would, did you?  Having studied the Mayan Calendar years back, I did actually know that it was just the end of a cycle, but the media had a bit of fun with it didn't they?  So I really wasn't expecting the end of the world, but it did get me thinking .... well "ye know not the hour" and all that?  Overall my responses to the possible challenge were a) if it ends then I'll have wasted money on all that Christmas stuff, and b) hey you know what, its been fantastic so far, and I'm actually quite excited to see what happens next!  After all The Second Coming has to be one helluva party doesn't it?

This page began with the headline "the world ends on Friday" which I couldn't resist cutting out, so I knew when I began what the page would be about.  I don't always, and most just kind of happen!  I took my colour cue from the orange lettering of the headline and used my Caran d'Ache crayons to do something vaguely end of the world ish ... I was thinking about a combination of a sun burning itself up and/or a great light in the sky.  Yeah, well I knew what I meant, and I have to point out that I was still lying on the sofa nursing my bad back a lot when I did this, and cannot guarantee that I was altogether doing joined up thinking, or writing/drawing all that straight either.

So I drew a border around the outside edge and added so Mayan(ish) patterns down the sides, and had a go at Mayan hieroglyphs (if that's the right word) on the top and bottom.  A very intriguing form of writing, having more in common with Egyptian picture writing than anything else.  I found the Mayan idol on Google so had to add that too.  (All the lying down would have been torture without my trusty ipad).  I also wanted to be sure that a long time in the future, I'd be able to remember what this page was all about, so added the date - which was a couple of days ahead at that point.,

And then I just proceeded to have fun with it, and left a space at the bottom to add a footnote later ...  I did photograph it at that incomplete stage, but the picture turned out blurry, so there's a bit of a jump between the photos above and below ...

I'm sure you will agree that it was on the whole rather nice to have Christmas without Armageddon getting in the way ... you have to admit it could have ruined the festive season!  I did read about people having End of the World parties, which seemed a very sensible way to proceed on the "just in case" principle, and rather wish I'd thought of it! 

Bad back is much improved, and although I still can't sit for too long  at least I can do it for some of the time now, for which I give heartfelt thanks!  On the other it did allow me to be quite lazy over Christmas, which can't be all bad ..... :)

WORRIES ...

This is going to be another short(ish) post since although my back is improving, sitting down is the one thing I can't do very well.  My days are spent either pottering about upright, or lying on the sofa with my ipad.  Since all my photos are on my desktop computer, I have to sit down for this!

Anyway here I go again, worrying about stuff - but this time I think it likely that more than a few of you share this one?  This is a watercolour background, and then the border was stamped - its that stamp meant for making an impression into polymer clay again.

Then I did that thing with my box of bits cut out of newspapers and magazines - and what popped out was the red "on the web" piece, and it all kind of went from there.  I used another cut-out for the figure, but gave her this Stampotique face which I tend to use to represent myself (I've also got very short dark hair).

Then you can see above how the page developed, and it almost looked finished at this stage, except that I felt it needed more colour, not least to balance the red bit.  So then (below) I added red and white to the borders, and once I'd got the white pen in my hand I started drawing squiggly bits with it, and you know me, couldn't seem to stop.

So there you are - I'm a sad person much of whose life is spent online relating to people I've never met.  Oh you too?  Well then, that's not so bad is it?  Its a whole lot better than staring at the blooming walls wishing all my (real life) friends would come home from work .....  On the other hand you do have to remind me to STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER, and get a bit of fresh air and exercise, not to mention talk to some real people!!

USEFUL ADVICE

Typing this VERY gingerly while recovering from a bad back - sitting down is a bit grim!

I forget now what started me on this page - except that it was to do with giving or receiving good advice.  So I wrote some ....

Paint background done with my new (from the £1 shop and meant for children) watercolour palette.  Stamps on top, then below cut outs from my stash.

I was sort of imagining my daughters reading this when they're older (am I kidding myself that they will treasure my journals?) and wrote for them, and also to remind myself of the wise things I know but don't always remember I know.

Lots more writing and doodling.  Done.  Back can't tolerate sitting down any more so off for a toddle about to ease things up a bit.  Never rains but it pours - getting over a tummy bug too.