A BIT CONFUSED ....

This was one of the times when I made a (Caran d'Ache crayon) background and then didn't know what to do with it - I sometimes  just make something/anything for when inspiration strikes!  Anyway it was some days later than I finally sat down in front of this and that's when I drew these branching lines with a Promarker pen, which write really well over the crayon surface.  I had some vague idea about branching arteries in my head, but in the end that's not what it turned out to be about!

And that's why I titled this entry "a bit confused" because I was - I think!  There seemed to be a lot of random stuff going on in my life, and I was trying to make sense of it.  Because I believe in the interconnectedness of all things, I never assume that things are truly random, and am always looking for patterns.

I've often preached about life as a great tapestry - think of the work of Kaffe Fassett, a brilliant explosion of colour and pattern.  When you can only see your own small corner of the tapestry, you might not even have all the colours it contains, let alone see how the pattern works, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.  So I talk about God as a kind of masterweaver ... the only one who can see the whole pattern, knows how it works and how individual warp and weft threads relate to one another.  That's kind of what I was thinking about here - I couldn't see the patterns in my own life, but I was convinced they were there.  I might never get to know how my words or actions contribute to the whole, but will have to trust that they do ....

You may also detect that I've been exploring zentangle doodling again ... (that's those black and white patterns in some of the spaces).  It isn't half fun to do, and the complex patterns seemed to illustrate something of what I was thinking about.

I spend quite a lot of time "a bit confused", but overall I know the pattern is there, that I'm a necessary and unique part of it, and most of all (despite or even because of me) it is beautiful ....

CHOOSE

 Back from Venice with hundreds of photographs to turn into a scrapbook, but the first thing I turned to was my journal...  This page began when I found this pencil sketch online, and it seems to me to illustrate the half full/half empty thing.  The background and the sun are done with Caran d'Ache crayons, and the grey bottle is pasted onto the page.

This is a bit of a soapbox of mine, so forgive me if I've bored you with this before, but I find that I can (and indeed MUST) make this choice daily, if not hourly!  It would be so easy to get dragged down by my illness, and to have a relentlessly negative outlook on life ... and I do have someone in my extended family who is like that, and nobody wants to be near them.  A good lesson to try and see the positive and celebrate your blessings, rather than endlessly rehearsing your woes and complaints!

But there are days when my inner Pollyanna goes on strike, and I WANT to feel sorry for myself, in fact I feel positively entitled.  But its not just me, there are countless people who could with perfect justification complain about the hand life has dealt them, and the poor quality of their life, but if they do .... they make themselves extremely unpopular.  Its not that a positive attitude changes anything, because it doesn't - the facts remain the same, but what can and does change is how you view it, and therefore deal with it.

So even when its difficult to do so I try to remember to count my blessings, and celebrate all that is good in my life, rather than focusing on the negatives.  It really works - and journalling helps! That alone makes me feel lucky!

ALL THINGS PASS ....

This page began when I read an online thread about dribbling with ink - which made me want to have a go, and as you can see that's what I did.  Sadly I am rather put off doing it again by the fact that I then upended half a bottle of ink all over the desk.  This rather put me off ink and I haven't used any since ... well I haven't got that much left!

Anyway, this is a Distress Ink background with the black ink dribbled onto it.  The next part was the big writing in the middle - which tells you everything you need to know about my frame of mind at the time.  I was (am) struggling with something I can't change, so needed to do some work on shifting my mental attitude - and isn't art journalling just fantastic for that?  I've worked so many things out this way .....

The "spatters" are actually a stamp, as is the picture and the number at the top.  After I'd done all the writing above, it was just down to doodling and drawing (my favourite part) until I felt the page was "finished".

Orange feels to me like a strong, positive colour - just right for the message I was trying to give myself.  It did work, and this is one of those pages I go back to sometimes to remind myself to look at life from the half-full rather than half-empty perspective.  The other thing that helps lift my mood when I get a bit down is smiling - yes really!  I heard that it triggers good hormones, something to do with the autonomic nervous system?  Anyway, it also works and I recommend it .... but not when anyone is looking or they will wonder what you've been up to!!

WISE? Not me ....

This page came directly out of one of the readings at church - which was that "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom"  That really got me thinking!

You know the one about "older and wiser", well I got to wondering if I am - wise that is, and I guess you can see how my mind meandered on from that.

I'd made this background I wasn't very pleased with - as you know I try to experiment outside my comfort zone - and this is Distress inks, and I've stamped the curly pattern around the edges.  I never seem to get very intense colour with distress ink - possibly because the repeat movements to build up layer upon layer are difficult for me and make my arm hurt!  I've got these sponge dabbers I rather like, but wasn't too keen on the result when I dabbed the orangey bits on.  Never mind, it seemed right to use it anyway. 

I actually drew the owl on a separate piece of paper and then stuck him onto the page, but the branch was drawn directly on.  My owl is version 3 or 4 (I wouldn't like to show you 1 and 2) and he looks a bit bad-tempered if you ask me! 

And this is how it looked when I'd finished doodling and drawing on it.  It still isn't a page I'm madly enthusiastic about (which is why I haven't blogged it before now) but I do like and want to remember the sentiment, because it still speaks strongly to me.  I'm old and wise enough to know that I've learned the most through making mistakes and blunders, even if the memory of them still has the power to make me cringe ....

PS Anyone want to buy my collection of (unloved) Distress Inks????

GRUMPY ...

Do you ever get into one of those moods where you are just thoroughly out of sorts with yourself, and kind of itchy scratchy cranky?  What our parents used to call "got out of bed the wrong side"?  I hope you do and that it isn't just me!  Anyway, it was one of those days, so when I found this picture in a magazine it really spoke to the way I was feeling ... and before you know it a journal page was the result.

I really didn't know what I was planning to do, I just stuck the picture down and then rubbed crayon (Caran d'Ache) all over the page.

And it really came alive when I brushed water onto the crayon and the colour lifted off the page.  Then, without knowing what I was going to put, I picked up a pen and wrote this!  I made myself laugh just looking at it, so was already talking myself out of my grumps.

And it just went from there.  My beloved had been in and out of my Studio - he could tell all wasn't well with me, but I didn't want to have to explain, I just wanted to get my head down and get on with it.  In a way the page is my explanation.

So I took the opportunity to get some stuff off my chest, and most definitely felt the better for it.  Some days thats what you need, right?  Plus it was an opportunity to laugh at myself for being cranky!

This page still makes me laugh when I look at it, so I can't stay grumpy for long when I read it.  Perhaps everyone should have a page in their journal which can do this - just to talk themselves out of the glums ....?

THE WORLD DIDN'T END .....

But then you never really thought it would, did you?  Having studied the Mayan Calendar years back, I did actually know that it was just the end of a cycle, but the media had a bit of fun with it didn't they?  So I really wasn't expecting the end of the world, but it did get me thinking .... well "ye know not the hour" and all that?  Overall my responses to the possible challenge were a) if it ends then I'll have wasted money on all that Christmas stuff, and b) hey you know what, its been fantastic so far, and I'm actually quite excited to see what happens next!  After all The Second Coming has to be one helluva party doesn't it?

This page began with the headline "the world ends on Friday" which I couldn't resist cutting out, so I knew when I began what the page would be about.  I don't always, and most just kind of happen!  I took my colour cue from the orange lettering of the headline and used my Caran d'Ache crayons to do something vaguely end of the world ish ... I was thinking about a combination of a sun burning itself up and/or a great light in the sky.  Yeah, well I knew what I meant, and I have to point out that I was still lying on the sofa nursing my bad back a lot when I did this, and cannot guarantee that I was altogether doing joined up thinking, or writing/drawing all that straight either.

So I drew a border around the outside edge and added so Mayan(ish) patterns down the sides, and had a go at Mayan hieroglyphs (if that's the right word) on the top and bottom.  A very intriguing form of writing, having more in common with Egyptian picture writing than anything else.  I found the Mayan idol on Google so had to add that too.  (All the lying down would have been torture without my trusty ipad).  I also wanted to be sure that a long time in the future, I'd be able to remember what this page was all about, so added the date - which was a couple of days ahead at that point.,

And then I just proceeded to have fun with it, and left a space at the bottom to add a footnote later ...  I did photograph it at that incomplete stage, but the picture turned out blurry, so there's a bit of a jump between the photos above and below ...

I'm sure you will agree that it was on the whole rather nice to have Christmas without Armageddon getting in the way ... you have to admit it could have ruined the festive season!  I did read about people having End of the World parties, which seemed a very sensible way to proceed on the "just in case" principle, and rather wish I'd thought of it! 

Bad back is much improved, and although I still can't sit for too long  at least I can do it for some of the time now, for which I give heartfelt thanks!  On the other it did allow me to be quite lazy over Christmas, which can't be all bad ..... :)

WORRIES ...

This is going to be another short(ish) post since although my back is improving, sitting down is the one thing I can't do very well.  My days are spent either pottering about upright, or lying on the sofa with my ipad.  Since all my photos are on my desktop computer, I have to sit down for this!

Anyway here I go again, worrying about stuff - but this time I think it likely that more than a few of you share this one?  This is a watercolour background, and then the border was stamped - its that stamp meant for making an impression into polymer clay again.

Then I did that thing with my box of bits cut out of newspapers and magazines - and what popped out was the red "on the web" piece, and it all kind of went from there.  I used another cut-out for the figure, but gave her this Stampotique face which I tend to use to represent myself (I've also got very short dark hair).

Then you can see above how the page developed, and it almost looked finished at this stage, except that I felt it needed more colour, not least to balance the red bit.  So then (below) I added red and white to the borders, and once I'd got the white pen in my hand I started drawing squiggly bits with it, and you know me, couldn't seem to stop.

So there you are - I'm a sad person much of whose life is spent online relating to people I've never met.  Oh you too?  Well then, that's not so bad is it?  Its a whole lot better than staring at the blooming walls wishing all my (real life) friends would come home from work .....  On the other hand you do have to remind me to STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER, and get a bit of fresh air and exercise, not to mention talk to some real people!!

USEFUL ADVICE

Typing this VERY gingerly while recovering from a bad back - sitting down is a bit grim!

I forget now what started me on this page - except that it was to do with giving or receiving good advice.  So I wrote some ....

Paint background done with my new (from the £1 shop and meant for children) watercolour palette.  Stamps on top, then below cut outs from my stash.

I was sort of imagining my daughters reading this when they're older (am I kidding myself that they will treasure my journals?) and wrote for them, and also to remind myself of the wise things I know but don't always remember I know.

Lots more writing and doodling.  Done.  Back can't tolerate sitting down any more so off for a toddle about to ease things up a bit.  Never rains but it pours - getting over a tummy bug too. 

Night Thoughts ...

 I believe the tendency to insomnia increases as you get older - apparently you just need less sleep?  Well its an occasional problem with me, particularly (and perversely) when I get over-tired.  That's what I was trying to journal about on this occasion .... and yes I was doing it in the middle of the night :(

 I had this blank background ready prepared, from a time when I'd been experimenting with painty effects.  As you know, I have a slightly uneasy relationship with paint - I know I ought to love it and splash it about liberally, but that just doesn't come naturally to me.

I'd even done blotches by adding paint with a baby wipe on this, so in the middle of the night all I had to do was write on the page - and you can see below what was uppermost in my mind at 2.30 am!  I cut this picture out of a newspaper, don't you just love it?  I liked the image of a grey-faced sleepless person, and this somewhat fed up looking expression really hit the spot in terms of how I was feeling.  As usual I just wrote the words in a simple print to begin with.

As you can see below I then went back to embellish the letters and add bits and pieces - not sure that I can explain the whys and wherefores of any of it (bear in mind it was the middle of the night) I was just sort of going with the flow and waiting to see if I felt tired ...

And this was the final version - that poor chap got more and more grey-faced and haggard looking, and the red eyes really finished him off!  Obviously there had to be some dotty embellishments there somewhere as well.

Still it was better to go downstairs and produce this than lying awake, tossing and turning, and wondering why I wasn't asleep wasn't it?  Things to do when struck by insomnia No.1 - go and play in your art journal :D

SEEN DANCING

This was one of those times when I just put pretty colours on the page and waited for inspiration to strike - which took some weeks!  I'd intended to use the page portrait wise, but it insisted on being landscape, and it was only when I turned it sideways that I was able to write on it.  I'd come across this quote some time back and written it down in the notebook of ideas I keep for journal inspiration.   I have a wheel stamp by Stampin Up which I was able to wiggle along the lower edge - the music couldn't have straight lines could it?

I deliberately took a picture at the stage above so you could see how I put the words down very simply at first, and then go back and sort of "fill out" the lettering, adding thickness and shaping.

The white parts above were done with my Posca Paint pen, and the finer details added below were done with a Uniball Signo pen.  These are the best of all for white coverage - and no they're not paying me to say that!  You know how I love doodling about anyway, so lots of it here.

You won't be surprised to know that I'm somewhat distraught at the recent vote going against Women Bishops, and deeply sad about the result.  I was angry at first - we've waited SO long, but I can't hold on to that.  However, this quotation seems just right for my attempts to understand those who opposed the Measure - they just can't hear the music.  We will find a way forward somehow, whether together or apart .... I just wish that the church didn't look like an outdated eccentric dinosaur, totally irrelevant to much of the world.  :(

SEARCHING ....

I made this page some weeks ago, when I felt unsettled and uncertain, wondering if there was something I was truly MEANT to do, but not feeling that I'd found it.  I decided that what I had to do was open up my mind and heart to the possibilities that might be out there by doing something new with a journal entry.  So I drew this blob thingy.  I liked it - curved sinuous shapes always please me more than straight lines and boxes.  I gave it a stripey edge and attempted a bit of shading into the corners, but then I got stuck and left it for a while ...

When I came back to it suddenly I was off - with a vision for the orange and yellow centre kind of representing the side of me that's brave, bright and adventurous.  The patterns around the splash of colour represent the neat, obsessively organised side of me that needs to control everything in order to feel safe.  I know what I mean even if it doesn't quitemake sense to you - after all a person can be both of these things at the same time can't they?  The compulsively organised me tends to come to the fore if I feel a bit threatened I think, or insecure in some way.

I'd really like to be the kind of artist who can throw paint around with total abandon, but I'm not, although I do try to be sometimes.  I finished all the doodly drawing (which of course I loved) around the outer edge and the inside was still empty because I didn't know what to write in it, having no answers.  So what I eventually wrote some days later came from the heart - that perhaps in the end it is the journey which matters and not necessarily reaching a goal or destination.  Its taken me quite a long time to be comfortable with that - I'm a person who always wanted to measure progress, tick off goals as I achieved them, so its a huge thing for me to say that the journey itself is enough, and that it doesn't have to lead anywhere but home .....

I'M A BRAVE GIRL ...

I've often mentioned the Brave Girls Club of whom I'm a long time member and fan!  I did their original course Soul Restoration 1 a while back and loved it - it was a lot of time to commit to the process but so worth the effort. It was a lot about healing the past and  I often go back to the book I made as part of the course.  So anyway, I'm doing Soul Restoration 2 now (the time just seemed so right) which is about actively working for the life you want to live, rather than just plodding along dealing with whatever comes, and this is the book I've made for this one.  Its actually not so much a book as a ring binder (I've covered an old one) because Melody who runs the course anticipated that you might want to go on adding to it in the future, so I thought this format would work best.

I used stuff from my (large) stash of scrapbook papers to do the covers, and plan to cover the result with clear plastic eventually, because its so pretty that I don't want lots of handling (which I expect it to get) to spoil it.  One of the first parts of the course was to write your own mission statement - harder than it sounds.  You had to write a long one and a shorter version - my long one is in the envelope and the short one is written out below it.

I thought putting this together would take ages, but because of the work we'd done in Week 1, this week 2 exercise was actually easier than I'd thought.  The Week 3 exercise of setting some goals is proving MUCH harder than I thought, and is taking some time ...

So a bit of a change from my journal, but very much in the same vein of striving for personal growth and development.  I'm a brave girl and can cope with that, even if some of it is scary.   I am still working in my journal as well, but this project is in the forefront of my mind right now so  I thought I would share it.