I WANT MORE ... but probably can't have it

In a rush with this as off on vacation in a couple of days, and panic sets in every time what with trying to sort out disabled assistance at the airport, medication, not to mention sharps disposal, copy prescriptions etc etc.  It'll be fabulous when we get there (wall to wall sunshine) but I'm at that stage where I'm so overwhelmed by the preparation that I no longer want to go ....

Anyway, enough of that!  A painted background as usual - and I even managed to use more than one colour!  I must be improving ...

Then the collage goes down and the necessary person goes in.  Maybe I need a bit of a jolt artistically speaking, because I'm really starting to feel that my pages are all becoming the same and a bit formulaic?

Completed collage with black outlines and shading.  At this stage I really didn't know what it was going to be about, but my subconscious obviously did when I stuck down "look for more".

Because then I exploded all over the page in my frustration at the limited life I have to live.  I really kick against it sometimes, but I guess that's normal.  I just want a life like everyone else, with friendship and laughter, spontaneous outings etc etc.  The reality is that if friends rang up and said "let's go out this afternoon" there's a strong chance I'd have to say no - but inside I want to say YES!  Yes to all of it, a full life, a retirement rich in experiences ...  In other words s'not fair. 

And it isn't, but it can't be changed so there's no point in using my limited energy to rail against fate.  God reminds me gently that I can still be of use in my small way.  And I get to go on holiday to a warm place where my bones won't ache nearly so much - and that makes me a very fortunate person.  I do count my blessings, honest, its just that sometimes I need to express the darker stuff .... because that's part of me too.

See you in October!!
Love
Rosie X

SMALL THINGS ...

Not for the first time, I encountered that quote from Mother Teresa "do small things with great love".  It came (probably not a coincidence) at a time when I was frustrated by my inability to do anything very much, from a feeling that I wasn't GIVING, wasn't making a difference in the world.  Mother Teresa also said "Let's do something beautiful for God" and when I was ordained priest that's what I believed I was called to.  I already had Fibromyalgia even then, and didn't (couldn't) see how that would come to shape the life I was able to live and the things I was able to give.  I thought back then that God had called me for my strength, but it turned out to be in my weakness that she could most powerfully use me ...

Trying to express this positive truth into my temporary darkness was worked out as ever through my journal.  Pink is my happy colour so that's where I began.  The big bloom is the person I always hoped I might be ...

But as my life went on my ability to "bloom" (in my own terms, not to mention pride and vanity) got smaller and smaller ...

 Until I felt like the small and unregarded person in the corner ...

But that small person and that small life turned out to have greater power to touch people and make a difference than the strong woman I liked to imagine I was ever could.

So here is my celebration of the woman I am now: more understanding of and gentle with my own frailties ... and therefore with those of others, and able to reach into the dark places people inhabit because I have been there myself.  And still visit that place sometimes.

It has been a battle long fought and hard won, and there are still days when I WISH it could be different.  But I do believe I am where I'm meant to be and giving/sharing my particular gifts ... even from my (pink) wheelchair!